Monday, November 28, 2011

First Snow Picture

I just got a copy of the picture that Carla took of the class and me the day it snowed (Thursday a week ago) and I let the kids go out and run around in it for a few minutes.  I zoomed in on my face (since I didn't want to put their faces all over the web) and loved what the snow looked like.  :)  A big kiss from my sweet Ezra!  Love you, sweetie!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Our First Christmas Decorations

So, I've sat down at my computer at least 15 times over this Thanksgiving break to update my blog...but the words just wouldn't come without tears.  Thanksgiving was hard.  My first thought when I woke up that morning was about the bib that we bought for Ezra that said "Everyone's thankful for me" with a big colorful turkey on it.  I would have given anything to have been able to take him to Aunt Cheryl's for Thanksgiving dinner wearing that bib.  I know that the Black Friday ads would have still been in a pile on the counter if Ezra was there to be passed around.  I wonder what Thanksgiving is like in heaven.  Do they eat dinner and watch football?  I told Randall that I bet Grandma was feeding Ezra gravy just to spite us since we said we were going to keep people from feeding him table food!  :)  And I bet Papaw Bill was watching football with him and explaining all the rules.  Oh, how I miss that little boy.

We put out our first Christmas decorations today.  We had intentions of putting up our Christmas tree, but just didn't get there.  We've decided to just put up one tree in the living room and my plan is to get it up this coming up week.  I'm just not motivated.  I did, however, want to get Ezra's decorations out at the cemetery - and I wanted it to be the first decorating that we did.  We bought him some Christmasy flowers and picks and even a jingle bell "E" for the vase and then we got 2 solar powered Christmas trees to put on either side of it.  You can't see it very good in the picture, but there's a little blue bird in the top to symbolize Ezra.  It ended up looking very pretty.  We're going to sneak up there tomorrow night to see the trees in action.

It seems like the past few weeks have brought with them waves of emotions that I just can't predict and once I get thinking, it's hard to control them.  I think part of it is Christmas on the way and there are SO many commercials about toys and baby products.  And Randall and I watched the "Twilight" movies recently and I was so excited to see "Breaking Dawn" (since I haven't read the books yet) until I saw a preview and saw that Bella had a baby.  Really?  Is there anywhere I'm safe from things that would bring back a flood of emotion?  We are dedicated TLC fans and EVERY show that we watch has either a pregnant woman or a baby.  19 Kids and Counting...The Little Couple (the surrogate lost the baby)...Sister Wives.  And Randall and I have decided that Walmart gives an extra discount to mothers with babies if they will come and shop while we are there.  (Okay, not really, but it does seem like there's a baby around every corner.)  But even with all the shows and babies, I still find moments during my day when I feel like my smile and laugh are genuine and thinking of happy thoughts about Ezra and doing things for him (like decorations) can bring a smile instead of a tear.  I know that God is with me and that's the only way that I have come through this horrible season of my life with a smile in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him HORRIBLY, but I know that Ezra wouldn't want me to be sad and frowny all the time.  He would want me to smile...he wants me to smile.  The other night while we were at the cemetery, I was talking to him like I always do and when I said, "I love you, my Ezra" his solar hummingbird (this was before we changed it to the trees) came on bright red.  That definitely brought a smile to my face.  I love how he finds ways to "talk" to me and I'm convinced that God knows that's what I need to keep me going and keep me positive.

We sang a song at the early service Sunday morning and it was like the words were written just for me.  We practiced it several times the Wednesday before, but I didn't really listen to the words until Sunday morning.  It's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?


Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes

We'll live to know You here on the earth

I miss you, little Ezra.  I hope that you like your decorations and that you look down on them and smile.  I love you, sweet baby.

A note from Ezra's daddy...


Ezra, there’s not a day that goes by that daddy doesn’t think about you.  Mommy and I love you and miss you very much.  I keep seeing your little nose in my mind (my nose) and imagine how you would look as a 1, 2, 3… year old.  There is this boy in PreK at my school that has a very similar nose.  Every time I see him I think about how you would look at age 4.  

There is so much that I wanted to share with you, so much I wanted to teach you (and for you to teach me in the processJ).  There's a Lego commercial that’s been coming on, and every time I see it I think about sitting in the living room floor with you and building something together (this was daddy’s favorite toy as a boy).  

At the same time, I know you’re experiencing things I can’t even dream of right now.  I know that God has much bigger plans for you that I can’t even comprehend right now...    
 
I better go for now.  Mommy is working on a Chrismon ornament to be placed on the tree at church in your memory.
 
Love,
Daddy 



Thursday, November 17, 2011

Snowflakes

So we finally received our first snowflakes of the year from Ezra.  As soon as I saw them falling, I told my students to get their coats and that we were going outside.  I let them run around in the snow for a few minutes enjoying my sweet gifts from my sweet little boy. 

Thank you, sweet Ezra, for a Thursday morning gift.  Mommy loves you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Whispered Prayers

Souls in danger
Bodies broken
Trouble here and
Everywhere
Arms that can't reach where they want to
Somehow make it
Through whispered prayers

Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers

Dark in midnight o'er the valley
Doesn't seem that
life is fair
What we need is
Our God's presence
It is ours now through whispered prayers


Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers
-Karen Peck & New River

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  These have been the hardest three months of my life.  I wish I could have been hugging you and telling you "happy 3 month birthday" today.  Was that you sending my students my way with all those hugs today?  You continue to amaze me, little one.  I love you so much.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

When You Hear the Bell Ring...

Rough day today.  It was "All Saints Day" at church where they remember those who have earned their angel wings during the past year.  Okay, so they don't word it that way, but I like that explanation better.  We found out about it on Wednesday and Randall and I have had a really difficult time over the past few days preparing ourselves for this service.  We've collectively shed more tears over the past 4 days than we had over the previous month.  That combined with Halloween last week resulted in a very melancholy week at the Egan house.

I'm thankful that instead of calling up each family individually they decided to call all of the families up at one time so that we could all stand together and not be singled out.  My parents, Granny Lou, and Randall's parents were all there with us and they came up front with us.  When they read Ezra's story, all the members of the choir stood as well.  All of Ezra's "other" aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Nancy Hickman made the comment to us before the service started that "you can't have pain and tears without love...and oh was that little boy loved."  It made me cry, but it made me smile, too, because it's so true that Ezra was so loved.

The story that Nancy read about Ezra said the following: "Hearts are heavy that we never got to hold Ezra, but we generously gave him love as he grew in his mother's womb and we watched the love in the eyes and smiles of his parents and grandparents.  We were all excited to learn that the baby was a "he" and the day we learned his name was Ezra was a "happening" in our lives.  His impact on Cassidy has been great and remains a powerful force.  It is because of our faith and hope that we know that someday we will run through the fields chasing butterflies with Ezra Gryffin Egan."  We got a beautiful bell that will be a forever outward reminder of our little boy.  Inward reminders will be constant as well.

Although the tears were streaming down my face, I had to smile because of the butterfly reference.  You see at Holston Valley, all the baby rooms are decorated with butterflies.  I stared at those butterflies for two days.  I never wanted to see another butterfly.  When the flowers were delivered from the funeral home, several of them had picks with butterflies on top.  Randall and I promptly threw them over into the mulch.  So when BVU came to cut down our trees, they apparently thought they had knocked them over, so they stuck them upright in the mulch.  Then it became the butterfly joke and we knew that was another "Ezra joke".  The fact that his story this morning mentioned a butterfly lets me know that Ezra was smiling down saying "gotcha" again.  That sweet boy definitely has a sense of humor!

But he has a sweet side, too.  So many times this week that I've felt his little hands and the arms of God around me.  Like when I was saying my prayers one morning and had just uttered, "Let Ezra know Mommy loves him" and Cassidy out of no where came up behind me, put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me (the best way a cat can anyway).  Or this morning when I prayed "Lord, I need You, this is too hard," and Susan Arnold came over almost immediately and took communion with me and sat with me until the service was over.  Or the quotes I've "found" on pinterest.com this week that have been such a comfort to me:

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us and lets us know they are happy." -Eskimo sayings

Mommy misses you, sweet Ezra.  Being away from you makes me cry and you are the only one who can take away my tears by showing me something silly or showing your sweetness.  You are one remarkable little boy.  I love you.