Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas, Ezra.  Mommy loves you and misses you so much! 

I forgot to tell you last night, thank you for the deer you placed in our back yard the other night.  It was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We watched it for what seemed like forever and I smiled from ear to ear the whole time.  You sure are good at making Mommy smile.

I love you, my sweet boy, my sweet little Ezra.

Not a Creature was Stirring...

Christmas Eve...

A year ago I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  We didn't trust the results, so we took another test on Christmas Day.  "Pregnant."  I knew that my world was about to change for, not only the better, but for the amazing.  The rest of our Christmas break was spent looking at bedding sets, making doctors appointments, and planning how to tell our family and friends.  I remember sitting in front of our tree last year on Christmas Eve after we came back from the service at church and talking with Randall about what we would be doing next year at this time.  Oh, how I wish our dreams had become a reality.

We finally got our tree up this week.  We decorated it with the ornaments from the kitchen tree, so it's covered in s'mores, gingerbread men, candy bars, and other kitchen-y things.  Our goal this year has been to get away from our traditions and change them up, so this was the best way for us to put up a tree without seeing the traditional living room ornaments (the ones from Hallmark).  It was hard to hang up the stockings without the addition of one that we thought would be there, but we did hang them.  I've been baking a ton of things to give to people at church and take to our family celebrations.  I've spent the nights and afternoons wrapping and watching movies.  Funny Christmas movies.  We've been keeping it off of the Hallmark channel this year.  Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, The Grinch (although that one can go either way)....those make me smile instead of making me sad.

We had our Christmas Eve service at church tonight.  Darren mentioned that he had a cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to sing with him.  He was glad to have someone to help and I was glad to have a purpose.  Sitting there by myself (since Randall was playing) was not something I was looking forward to.  Plus I knew that if I was up in front of people I would have to hold myself together.  I was proud of myself and how well I did, though.  It was a beautiful service.  I guess I got most of my tears out at the cemetery when we went this afternoon.  We have a tree to take over there in there morning, so we are going to drop that off before we go to the Christmas Day service.  We bought a little blue one and I'm going to hot glue bright colored ornaments on it before we take it over in the morning.

I miss you, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas celebration in heaven tomorrow.  I love you, my angel.

Busy Days

Candy cane vases...love Ezra and Mommy.

If being busy is a good thing....then the past few weeks I have been blessed.  We haven't been able to put up our Christmas tree at home yet (trying for the 6th time tomorrow), but my classroom at school looked like the North Pole exploded!  I have left school each afternoon and come home just to work on things for the next day until I went to bed that night....then repeated the next day.  Normal schoolwork, then a Christmas project pretty much each day for the past 3 weeks.  My students have enjoyed it and my heart has needed it.  The next two weeks of time off loom in front of me and I keep adding things to my check-list because I don't want to have any downtime.  Because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  And wandering thoughts lead to tears.  I still think about Ezra constantly, but when I do, instead of dissolving into tears, I go to my checklist and work on another project.  I'm sure that Randall is about sick of wreaths and candy cane vases and bead necklaces and glue sticks and ribbon....but I don't want to think about having a minute when I don't have an alternative.  I'm not hiding from my grief and sadness, but I'm finding a positive, productive outlet for it.  If you get a craft from me this year, know it's really from me and Ezra because missing him is driving me to do it.

Wednesday night was the roughest night I've had in a while.  We purposely avoided the children's program at church and came only for Praise Team and choir practice afterward.  Unfortunately, everyone had not cleared out yet and there was a man there holding a little boy in a red and white stripped outfit with a reindeer on his booty.  I just couldn't hold back the tears, but luckily, after realizing what was going on, Darren told Randall to start playing and we started singing and I got straightened up...because singing into a microphone while sniffling is not a pretty sound.  After Praise Team we went to choir practice and I asked Darren what we were going to be working on and he assured me, "Nothing about Christmas."  But then they prayed the sweetest prayer at the end and I was again crying when I left.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I can't seem to stop crying.  From what I've read, that's a typical response to grief - it strikes when you're expecting it and when you're not expecting it.  I think that Randall and I have different triggers, too, since we don't have 'typical' memories that would be triggers...so every baby, every baby commercial, every Lion King toy, every song about a baby....it's a trigger for us.  It's not a smell or a sound, but just everything that has to do with a baby.

My sweet co-workers on Grinch Day

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people that God has blessed me with and placed in my life to encourage me, support me, and love me during this unspeakably sad season of my life.  The ladies that I teach with have kept me focused and distracted, yet they have been so supportive with their words and with the way that they listen when I need to talk.  They truly understand how important it is for me that Ezra is not simply ignored and forgotten.  The same goes for the wonderful friends that I have at church, and of course my family.  I honestly don't know how people would get through a situation like this without God and without an earthly support system.  So many times I've prayed "God, I can't do this.  I need You to give me strength."  More times than I can count the answer to that prayer has been a person (whether a coworker, student, friend, or family member) who has saved me by their presence, a word, or a hug.  I truly am blessed by you all.

I so wish the next week leading up to Christmas would have been so different.  I wish that I was doing my baking with a baby watching me in the kitchen.  I wish that I was stopping from wrapping presents to change a diaper.  I wish that I was watching Christmas movies while giving the last bottle before bedtime.  I had a much different picture in my mind of how this Christmas would be and I'm sure that during the next week a home movie of could-have-beens will be playing in my mind. I miss him so much. 

I love you, my little Ezra.  You were my greatest Christmas present last year.  You are a sweet Christmas present to heaven this year.  I love you, my sweet little angel.