Sunday, February 26, 2012

They lied....

Whoever said that it gets easier with time...lied.  I still have so many times during my day where I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  Like I'm not sure how I can take a deep breath and I just have to think "really?"  Did they just say that?  Did I just see that?  Did I just hear that?  Case in point - tribute to James Earl Jones tonight on the Academy Awards....what was one clip in the montage....the Lion King, of course.  I go through Target around Valentine's Day....really?  Simba stuffed animals right in the middle?  What movie did my students watch in music on Friday?  The Lion King.  And not just those things...the little boys at Wal-Mart, the conversations with....well pretty much everyone at one point or another, the pictures - endless picture - on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Now, I could look at this two ways - 1) Ezra is trying to send me messages, sweet reminders, and make a connection.  2) The world is conspiring against me to rip the scab off my heart in any way that it can.  Even though my desire is to think it's #1, most days I lean towards #2. 

Maybe it's just that I'm at that point of the grieving process.  Maybe I'm becoming cynical.  Maybe I'm just finding that it's not becoming easier like everyone told me that it would.  I honestly thought that after Christmas I would find each day becoming less sad and hard to face.  But why?  Why would that be the magic day for all things to change?  He's still not here with me.  I still am not seeing him grow up.  I still am not holding him tonight.  So why would things be easier? 

Valentine's Day was extremely difficult.  As I was walking down the hallway to my classroom that morning I thought, I don't remember the Valentine's Day party in my room last year.  Then it hit me: I wasn't there for the party last year.  Randall and I both took a sick day to go to Dr. Earl's office and hear our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time.  What a wonderful Valentine's Day present.  I wish that I could just go back in time to that day and soak everything in even more than I did - knowing that it would be the last Valentine's Day that I would hear that sweet sound coming from his little heart. 

I miss you so much, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you soooooo much.  Always and forever.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Six Months

Six months ago I said hello and then goodbye to my sweet little Ezra.  Yesterday I relived the doctor's appointment where we found out that Ezra was already living a perfect life in heaven.  Even six months later, it's hard for me to believe that it is true.  That I'll never hold him again here on earth.  I thought that the 36 hours that I had to endure in between finding out the horrific news and actually seeing him was the most horrible thing that I would go through.  Then a month later I thought that it surely couldn't feel worse than that.  But now, six months later, Ezra still fills my every thought and hundreds of times a day I feel the wash of agony all over again. 

One of the hardest things for both Randall and me is that people around us seem to feel that we are doing very well...well enough for them to talk about babies in front of us.  I know that the world did not and should not stop with our heartbreak, but for us it still feels like a knife through the heart when we see babies, hear about babies, or think about them.  It's not really a jealousy, but more of a longing of what we wish that we had.  I still miss my little Ezra more than words can express.  Today when I was going through the calendar routine with my students, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I had to put the number 9 piece up.  I'm pretty confident that I can say that every time the 9th comes around each month for the rest of my life I will think of Ezra and quickly calculate in my mind how old he would have been on that day.

I've still been trying to keep my hands and mind occupied as much as possible.  Left to idleness, my mind wanders and I fall deeper into the gloom that can overcome me.  I've taken up a new hobby - making hairbows.  Randall and I have several craft fairs lined up that we are going to set them up at to sell.  All the money I make is going toward a double oven for my kitchen.  Something else to keep me busy and my mind occupied. 

I miss you my little Ezra.  I think about you all the time.  Thank you for sending me the sweet blue bird as we visited the cemetery tonight.  I love you so much, my sweet boy.