Saturday, August 11, 2012

Happy Birthday, Ezra!

Balloons sent to Ezra's party from Cassidy UMC
I had all intentions of writing a post on Ezra's birthday.  We didn't have plans, I didn't have anything that I had to do for school, and we ordered pizza.  You would think that it would have been no problem for me to write.  Until the pictures started pouring in on facebook, my email, and Randall's email.  I was mesmerized and I couldn't help but click on the little envelope on facebook each time it had a number on top of it.  Click, download, save to folder.  Over 150 times.  Over 150 pictures as a memorial to my sweet Ezra.

Okay, let me back up here and explain WHY we were getting these pictures.  You see, about a month ago I was in the shower (where I do my best thinking) and I had the idea that we would send out a few letters to people with a balloon inside asking them to send it up to Ezra's birthday party in heaven.  I said in the letter that it was hard to imagine what we could do to make heaven more beautiful, but that I was sure God wouldn't mind if we sent up some balloons for the party.  We asked people to please take a picture of themselves or of their balloons when they let them go and send them to us because I wanted to put them as the last page in Ezra's baby book.  Now, to be honest, we expected to get maybe 20 pictures, if that.  We were overwhelmed by the outpouring of pictures (and LOVE) from our wonderful family, church family, friends, and co-workers.  It was truly amazing.  What I had planned to make into a PAGE is now going to be a whole book in itself.  Once school gets back into full swing and I have a few minutes to breathe, I'm going to upload them all to shutterfly and get started on Ezra's birthday book.

Beautiful balloon from Skip and Mandy Barker
Not only were we amazed by the sheer number of balloons that were sent to our sweet Ezra, but the messages on the balloons were incredible as well.  It was truly evident that the people who sent them truly love us and our son.  I know that Ezra was looking down with a big smile on his face as he saw people in Virginia, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, Missouri, and who knows where else sending him presents.  My favorite comment was from my cousin in Kansas City who is about to start kindergarten.  His mom explained why they were sending up the balloons and he said, "Okay, but next year I want to send Legos."  :)

A year later and I still miss Ezra so much.  It's hard to even put into words how much I still grieve for him and long to hold him.  Several people told us how we've shown so much faith through this year, but most of the time I just feel like I'm still struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  I just struggle with a smile on my face, because when Ezra looks down from heaven I want him to see his Mommy with a smile and not a tear as much as possible.  I want him to see me how he would have been seeing me if he were here on earth.  I want him to tell Jesus, "Look - there's my mama.  She makes me laugh!" 

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Miss you like crazy!  XOXO

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Lessons

Our sermon this morning was about having joy in the midst of trials.  The scripture was James 1:2-4, which says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  God knew how much I needed this scripture and this sermon this morning.  One of the biggest trials of my life came a year ago this week.  A year.  It seems almost impossible to comprehend it's been that long.  The way that my memory flashes back to those days, you would think it was yesterday.  As I listened to the the sermon this morning, I began to think about the joy of with James was speaking.  I don't think that it means you have to be happy or joyful in the actual situation, but remain content in the fact that God will bring you through it and teach you along the way. And, boy, has He taught me some things in the past year.  Do you mind if I share some with you?


1. He taught me to never take things for granted. Someone told me recently that we shouldn't view a healthy birth as "normal;" each one should be viewed as a miracle because there are so many things that could go wrong.  I think that can be applied to every aspect of our lives - a drive down the street; routine bloodwork; and most recently, a trip to the movie theater.


2. He taught me to value the people around me.  I'm so eternally grateful for the people in my life.  Randall, my parents, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my church family, my students...the list could go on and on and on.  


3. He taught me that it is okay not to be perfect.  It's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to cry on (many) shoulders.  It's okay not to answer "fine" when asked "how are you?"  Sometimes you just have to say, "I'm having a really crappy day, but it's going to get better."


4. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it seems insignificant to others.


I could keep going with the lessons I have learned over the past 12 months, but you get the picture.  I thought that my world was over when my sweet Ezra was called home to heaven on August 9, 2011.  But the earth is still spinning, God is still in control, and Ezra is having a ball in his perfect body running around in the grassy hills of heaven.  I wish everyday that he was down here with me and that I was helping him learn to walk and talk, but one day we will get to hang out together and there won't be rainy days to keep us inside.

We sang the following song 4 times this morning - twice in the early service and twice in the 11o'clock service.  I know it sounds selfish, but I know it was for me.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


I love you, my sweet baby, and I think about you all the time.  Mommy misses you like crazy.