Ezra's Babysitter

Somewhere I read the following quote: "I know God will only give you what you can handle, but sometimes I think he trusts me too much."  I think that I could have penned this sentiment.  My grandmother, Winfreid, passed away on Thursday night.  She fell back at the beginning of the month and broke both of her legs right above her knee-replacements.  They could not do surgery because of the severity of the injury (and the fact that she was 92 years old) and she was in excruciating pain.  She was in the hospital for three weeks and they had to keep increasing the pain medication to the point that she was basically sedated because of the level of the pain she was in at the end.  It was so hard to see her in so much pain.  We spent the afternoon with her at the hospital on Thursday and left the hospital around 7.  We got a call around 9:30 saying that we needed to come back to the hospital.  We got another call about 10 minutes later saying that she was gone.  Mom, Dad, Randall, Pa and I went on to the hospital so that we could say our goodbyes, meeting Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Ken up there.

Our consolation is that she is with our sweet Ezra.  I can just imagine her up in heaven able to move around like she wanted to do here running through the fields and showing Ezra all the beautiful flowers.  On our way up to the funeral today, I saw a big, beautiful cumulus cloud.  I could just imagine the two of them sitting on the edge of the cloud with their legs hanging over swinging in the breeze and laughing together.  I could picture them waving down at our car going up the interstate and my grandma putting her hands to her mouth and shouting, "Don't worry about our baby - I'm here with him now."  Our baby.  Because she told me that she didn't send flowers to his funeral because instead she wanted to help with the stone and she gave me a note with money saying "for our baby."  My grandma was not an ooey-gooey sentimental person and this was such a strong statement from her.  I can't even begin to imagine the hugs and kisses she's given him since Thursday night.

King Graduation, 2005

Randall and I have been spending a lot of time this week with my parents and my grandpa.  They were married for 60 years.  I can't even begin to know how hard it was for him to say goodbye to her.  I'm cherish the special moments that we've gotten to spend together the past week, though.  Yesterday I was sitting with him and he took my hand, kissed it, and said "love you a bushel."  I know that makes my grandma smile when she looks down as well and she tells Ezra, "that's the sweet man I married."

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Give you great-grandma a big hug for me.  Love you both.  Miss you both.

9 months + Mother's Day = Overload

It's been 9 months today.  9 months of grieving.  9 months of tears.  9 months of small steps towards my new normal.  I still haven't opened the door to his nursery.  I still haven't boxed up one thing.  I still can't go an hour without thinking about Ezra and how much I wish he was here with me.  I feel like I could take my first post, my post 3 months ago and a month ago and they would almost say the same thing.  I miss him.  I love him.  I grieve everyday wishing things were different. 

I joined a Facebook group called "Grieving Mothers" and they post several poems, quotes, and pictures a day.  Though many of them make me cry, I feel like these people who post these things are reading my thoughts.  They know exactly what I need to hear.  This poem was posted yesterday about Mother's Day.  Made me cry, but also made me smile. 

"Dandelions From Heaven"
Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...
Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

When I walked out the door this morning I was sad because I knew what the date was.  When I got in my car I noticed that one of our Asiatic lilies was blooming.  Just one little bloom.  You can say that I'm grasping at straws, but I truly believe it was a message from my little Ezra.  His way of saying "I love you, Mommy."

I love you, my little Ezra.  Mommy thinks about you all the time.  I miss you.