I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Back in school for a day...then a snow day...then back today.  I don't know whether it is getting past Christmas and not having an immediate "focus" or what, but I've been feeling very melancholy for the past few days.  Perhaps it's just remembering what I was doing at this point last year.  I don't really know what the trigger is, but I'm missing my Ezra something awful.

I'm so thankful for my sweet Randall.  He is such a wonderful husband and I'm so blessed to have had his support and understanding through this.  Knowing that he truly understands my feelings makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I heard this song on the radio on the way home from choir practice tonight and it really touched me.  The chorus made me think of Randall and I just hope that I can be the same for him.

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"
by Martina McBride
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  I love you soooooo much.  Did you see the shirt Daddy got me for Christmas - it says "Expecto Patronum".  Keep sending me those patronus charms, my little Ezra.  :)

Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas, Ezra.  Mommy loves you and misses you so much! 

I forgot to tell you last night, thank you for the deer you placed in our back yard the other night.  It was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We watched it for what seemed like forever and I smiled from ear to ear the whole time.  You sure are good at making Mommy smile.

I love you, my sweet boy, my sweet little Ezra.

Not a Creature was Stirring...

Christmas Eve...

A year ago I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  We didn't trust the results, so we took another test on Christmas Day.  "Pregnant."  I knew that my world was about to change for, not only the better, but for the amazing.  The rest of our Christmas break was spent looking at bedding sets, making doctors appointments, and planning how to tell our family and friends.  I remember sitting in front of our tree last year on Christmas Eve after we came back from the service at church and talking with Randall about what we would be doing next year at this time.  Oh, how I wish our dreams had become a reality.

We finally got our tree up this week.  We decorated it with the ornaments from the kitchen tree, so it's covered in s'mores, gingerbread men, candy bars, and other kitchen-y things.  Our goal this year has been to get away from our traditions and change them up, so this was the best way for us to put up a tree without seeing the traditional living room ornaments (the ones from Hallmark).  It was hard to hang up the stockings without the addition of one that we thought would be there, but we did hang them.  I've been baking a ton of things to give to people at church and take to our family celebrations.  I've spent the nights and afternoons wrapping and watching movies.  Funny Christmas movies.  We've been keeping it off of the Hallmark channel this year.  Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, The Grinch (although that one can go either way)....those make me smile instead of making me sad.

We had our Christmas Eve service at church tonight.  Darren mentioned that he had a cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to sing with him.  He was glad to have someone to help and I was glad to have a purpose.  Sitting there by myself (since Randall was playing) was not something I was looking forward to.  Plus I knew that if I was up in front of people I would have to hold myself together.  I was proud of myself and how well I did, though.  It was a beautiful service.  I guess I got most of my tears out at the cemetery when we went this afternoon.  We have a tree to take over there in there morning, so we are going to drop that off before we go to the Christmas Day service.  We bought a little blue one and I'm going to hot glue bright colored ornaments on it before we take it over in the morning.

I miss you, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas celebration in heaven tomorrow.  I love you, my angel.

Busy Days

Candy cane vases...love Ezra and Mommy.

If being busy is a good thing....then the past few weeks I have been blessed.  We haven't been able to put up our Christmas tree at home yet (trying for the 6th time tomorrow), but my classroom at school looked like the North Pole exploded!  I have left school each afternoon and come home just to work on things for the next day until I went to bed that night....then repeated the next day.  Normal schoolwork, then a Christmas project pretty much each day for the past 3 weeks.  My students have enjoyed it and my heart has needed it.  The next two weeks of time off loom in front of me and I keep adding things to my check-list because I don't want to have any downtime.  Because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  And wandering thoughts lead to tears.  I still think about Ezra constantly, but when I do, instead of dissolving into tears, I go to my checklist and work on another project.  I'm sure that Randall is about sick of wreaths and candy cane vases and bead necklaces and glue sticks and ribbon....but I don't want to think about having a minute when I don't have an alternative.  I'm not hiding from my grief and sadness, but I'm finding a positive, productive outlet for it.  If you get a craft from me this year, know it's really from me and Ezra because missing him is driving me to do it.

Wednesday night was the roughest night I've had in a while.  We purposely avoided the children's program at church and came only for Praise Team and choir practice afterward.  Unfortunately, everyone had not cleared out yet and there was a man there holding a little boy in a red and white stripped outfit with a reindeer on his booty.  I just couldn't hold back the tears, but luckily, after realizing what was going on, Darren told Randall to start playing and we started singing and I got straightened up...because singing into a microphone while sniffling is not a pretty sound.  After Praise Team we went to choir practice and I asked Darren what we were going to be working on and he assured me, "Nothing about Christmas."  But then they prayed the sweetest prayer at the end and I was again crying when I left.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I can't seem to stop crying.  From what I've read, that's a typical response to grief - it strikes when you're expecting it and when you're not expecting it.  I think that Randall and I have different triggers, too, since we don't have 'typical' memories that would be triggers...so every baby, every baby commercial, every Lion King toy, every song about a baby....it's a trigger for us.  It's not a smell or a sound, but just everything that has to do with a baby.

My sweet co-workers on Grinch Day

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people that God has blessed me with and placed in my life to encourage me, support me, and love me during this unspeakably sad season of my life.  The ladies that I teach with have kept me focused and distracted, yet they have been so supportive with their words and with the way that they listen when I need to talk.  They truly understand how important it is for me that Ezra is not simply ignored and forgotten.  The same goes for the wonderful friends that I have at church, and of course my family.  I honestly don't know how people would get through a situation like this without God and without an earthly support system.  So many times I've prayed "God, I can't do this.  I need You to give me strength."  More times than I can count the answer to that prayer has been a person (whether a coworker, student, friend, or family member) who has saved me by their presence, a word, or a hug.  I truly am blessed by you all.

I so wish the next week leading up to Christmas would have been so different.  I wish that I was doing my baking with a baby watching me in the kitchen.  I wish that I was stopping from wrapping presents to change a diaper.  I wish that I was watching Christmas movies while giving the last bottle before bedtime.  I had a much different picture in my mind of how this Christmas would be and I'm sure that during the next week a home movie of could-have-beens will be playing in my mind. I miss him so much. 

I love you, my little Ezra.  You were my greatest Christmas present last year.  You are a sweet Christmas present to heaven this year.  I love you, my sweet little angel.

First Snow Picture

I just got a copy of the picture that Carla took of the class and me the day it snowed (Thursday a week ago) and I let the kids go out and run around in it for a few minutes.  I zoomed in on my face (since I didn't want to put their faces all over the web) and loved what the snow looked like.  :)  A big kiss from my sweet Ezra!  Love you, sweetie!

Our First Christmas Decorations

So, I've sat down at my computer at least 15 times over this Thanksgiving break to update my blog...but the words just wouldn't come without tears.  Thanksgiving was hard.  My first thought when I woke up that morning was about the bib that we bought for Ezra that said "Everyone's thankful for me" with a big colorful turkey on it.  I would have given anything to have been able to take him to Aunt Cheryl's for Thanksgiving dinner wearing that bib.  I know that the Black Friday ads would have still been in a pile on the counter if Ezra was there to be passed around.  I wonder what Thanksgiving is like in heaven.  Do they eat dinner and watch football?  I told Randall that I bet Grandma was feeding Ezra gravy just to spite us since we said we were going to keep people from feeding him table food!  :)  And I bet Papaw Bill was watching football with him and explaining all the rules.  Oh, how I miss that little boy.

We put out our first Christmas decorations today.  We had intentions of putting up our Christmas tree, but just didn't get there.  We've decided to just put up one tree in the living room and my plan is to get it up this coming up week.  I'm just not motivated.  I did, however, want to get Ezra's decorations out at the cemetery - and I wanted it to be the first decorating that we did.  We bought him some Christmasy flowers and picks and even a jingle bell "E" for the vase and then we got 2 solar powered Christmas trees to put on either side of it.  You can't see it very good in the picture, but there's a little blue bird in the top to symbolize Ezra.  It ended up looking very pretty.  We're going to sneak up there tomorrow night to see the trees in action.

It seems like the past few weeks have brought with them waves of emotions that I just can't predict and once I get thinking, it's hard to control them.  I think part of it is Christmas on the way and there are SO many commercials about toys and baby products.  And Randall and I watched the "Twilight" movies recently and I was so excited to see "Breaking Dawn" (since I haven't read the books yet) until I saw a preview and saw that Bella had a baby.  Really?  Is there anywhere I'm safe from things that would bring back a flood of emotion?  We are dedicated TLC fans and EVERY show that we watch has either a pregnant woman or a baby.  19 Kids and Counting...The Little Couple (the surrogate lost the baby)...Sister Wives.  And Randall and I have decided that Walmart gives an extra discount to mothers with babies if they will come and shop while we are there.  (Okay, not really, but it does seem like there's a baby around every corner.)  But even with all the shows and babies, I still find moments during my day when I feel like my smile and laugh are genuine and thinking of happy thoughts about Ezra and doing things for him (like decorations) can bring a smile instead of a tear.  I know that God is with me and that's the only way that I have come through this horrible season of my life with a smile in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him HORRIBLY, but I know that Ezra wouldn't want me to be sad and frowny all the time.  He would want me to smile...he wants me to smile.  The other night while we were at the cemetery, I was talking to him like I always do and when I said, "I love you, my Ezra" his solar hummingbird (this was before we changed it to the trees) came on bright red.  That definitely brought a smile to my face.  I love how he finds ways to "talk" to me and I'm convinced that God knows that's what I need to keep me going and keep me positive.

We sang a song at the early service Sunday morning and it was like the words were written just for me.  We practiced it several times the Wednesday before, but I didn't really listen to the words until Sunday morning.  It's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

I miss you, little Ezra.  I hope that you like your decorations and that you look down on them and smile.  I love you, sweet baby.

A note from Ezra's daddy...

Ezra, there’s not a day that goes by that daddy doesn’t think about you.  Mommy and I love you and miss you very much.  I keep seeing your little nose in my mind (my nose) and imagine how you would look as a 1, 2, 3… year old.  There is this boy in PreK at my school that has a very similar nose.  Every time I see him I think about how you would look at age 4.  

There is so much that I wanted to share with you, so much I wanted to teach you (and for you to teach me in the processJ).  There's a Lego commercial that’s been coming on, and every time I see it I think about sitting in the living room floor with you and building something together (this was daddy’s favorite toy as a boy).  

At the same time, I know you’re experiencing things I can’t even dream of right now.  I know that God has much bigger plans for you that I can’t even comprehend right now...    

 

I better go for now.  Mommy is working on a Chrismon ornament to be placed on the tree at church in your memory.

 

Love,

Daddy