Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas, Ezra.  Mommy loves you and misses you so much! 

I forgot to tell you last night, thank you for the deer you placed in our back yard the other night.  It was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We watched it for what seemed like forever and I smiled from ear to ear the whole time.  You sure are good at making Mommy smile.

I love you, my sweet boy, my sweet little Ezra.

Not a Creature was Stirring...

Christmas Eve...

A year ago I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  We didn't trust the results, so we took another test on Christmas Day.  "Pregnant."  I knew that my world was about to change for, not only the better, but for the amazing.  The rest of our Christmas break was spent looking at bedding sets, making doctors appointments, and planning how to tell our family and friends.  I remember sitting in front of our tree last year on Christmas Eve after we came back from the service at church and talking with Randall about what we would be doing next year at this time.  Oh, how I wish our dreams had become a reality.

We finally got our tree up this week.  We decorated it with the ornaments from the kitchen tree, so it's covered in s'mores, gingerbread men, candy bars, and other kitchen-y things.  Our goal this year has been to get away from our traditions and change them up, so this was the best way for us to put up a tree without seeing the traditional living room ornaments (the ones from Hallmark).  It was hard to hang up the stockings without the addition of one that we thought would be there, but we did hang them.  I've been baking a ton of things to give to people at church and take to our family celebrations.  I've spent the nights and afternoons wrapping and watching movies.  Funny Christmas movies.  We've been keeping it off of the Hallmark channel this year.  Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, The Grinch (although that one can go either way)....those make me smile instead of making me sad.

We had our Christmas Eve service at church tonight.  Darren mentioned that he had a cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to sing with him.  He was glad to have someone to help and I was glad to have a purpose.  Sitting there by myself (since Randall was playing) was not something I was looking forward to.  Plus I knew that if I was up in front of people I would have to hold myself together.  I was proud of myself and how well I did, though.  It was a beautiful service.  I guess I got most of my tears out at the cemetery when we went this afternoon.  We have a tree to take over there in there morning, so we are going to drop that off before we go to the Christmas Day service.  We bought a little blue one and I'm going to hot glue bright colored ornaments on it before we take it over in the morning.

I miss you, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas celebration in heaven tomorrow.  I love you, my angel.

Busy Days

Candy cane vases...love Ezra and Mommy.

If being busy is a good thing....then the past few weeks I have been blessed.  We haven't been able to put up our Christmas tree at home yet (trying for the 6th time tomorrow), but my classroom at school looked like the North Pole exploded!  I have left school each afternoon and come home just to work on things for the next day until I went to bed that night....then repeated the next day.  Normal schoolwork, then a Christmas project pretty much each day for the past 3 weeks.  My students have enjoyed it and my heart has needed it.  The next two weeks of time off loom in front of me and I keep adding things to my check-list because I don't want to have any downtime.  Because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  And wandering thoughts lead to tears.  I still think about Ezra constantly, but when I do, instead of dissolving into tears, I go to my checklist and work on another project.  I'm sure that Randall is about sick of wreaths and candy cane vases and bead necklaces and glue sticks and ribbon....but I don't want to think about having a minute when I don't have an alternative.  I'm not hiding from my grief and sadness, but I'm finding a positive, productive outlet for it.  If you get a craft from me this year, know it's really from me and Ezra because missing him is driving me to do it.

Wednesday night was the roughest night I've had in a while.  We purposely avoided the children's program at church and came only for Praise Team and choir practice afterward.  Unfortunately, everyone had not cleared out yet and there was a man there holding a little boy in a red and white stripped outfit with a reindeer on his booty.  I just couldn't hold back the tears, but luckily, after realizing what was going on, Darren told Randall to start playing and we started singing and I got straightened up...because singing into a microphone while sniffling is not a pretty sound.  After Praise Team we went to choir practice and I asked Darren what we were going to be working on and he assured me, "Nothing about Christmas."  But then they prayed the sweetest prayer at the end and I was again crying when I left.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I can't seem to stop crying.  From what I've read, that's a typical response to grief - it strikes when you're expecting it and when you're not expecting it.  I think that Randall and I have different triggers, too, since we don't have 'typical' memories that would be triggers...so every baby, every baby commercial, every Lion King toy, every song about a baby....it's a trigger for us.  It's not a smell or a sound, but just everything that has to do with a baby.

My sweet co-workers on Grinch Day

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people that God has blessed me with and placed in my life to encourage me, support me, and love me during this unspeakably sad season of my life.  The ladies that I teach with have kept me focused and distracted, yet they have been so supportive with their words and with the way that they listen when I need to talk.  They truly understand how important it is for me that Ezra is not simply ignored and forgotten.  The same goes for the wonderful friends that I have at church, and of course my family.  I honestly don't know how people would get through a situation like this without God and without an earthly support system.  So many times I've prayed "God, I can't do this.  I need You to give me strength."  More times than I can count the answer to that prayer has been a person (whether a coworker, student, friend, or family member) who has saved me by their presence, a word, or a hug.  I truly am blessed by you all.

I so wish the next week leading up to Christmas would have been so different.  I wish that I was doing my baking with a baby watching me in the kitchen.  I wish that I was stopping from wrapping presents to change a diaper.  I wish that I was watching Christmas movies while giving the last bottle before bedtime.  I had a much different picture in my mind of how this Christmas would be and I'm sure that during the next week a home movie of could-have-beens will be playing in my mind. I miss him so much. 

I love you, my little Ezra.  You were my greatest Christmas present last year.  You are a sweet Christmas present to heaven this year.  I love you, my sweet little angel.

First Snow Picture

I just got a copy of the picture that Carla took of the class and me the day it snowed (Thursday a week ago) and I let the kids go out and run around in it for a few minutes.  I zoomed in on my face (since I didn't want to put their faces all over the web) and loved what the snow looked like.  :)  A big kiss from my sweet Ezra!  Love you, sweetie!

Our First Christmas Decorations

So, I've sat down at my computer at least 15 times over this Thanksgiving break to update my blog...but the words just wouldn't come without tears.  Thanksgiving was hard.  My first thought when I woke up that morning was about the bib that we bought for Ezra that said "Everyone's thankful for me" with a big colorful turkey on it.  I would have given anything to have been able to take him to Aunt Cheryl's for Thanksgiving dinner wearing that bib.  I know that the Black Friday ads would have still been in a pile on the counter if Ezra was there to be passed around.  I wonder what Thanksgiving is like in heaven.  Do they eat dinner and watch football?  I told Randall that I bet Grandma was feeding Ezra gravy just to spite us since we said we were going to keep people from feeding him table food!  :)  And I bet Papaw Bill was watching football with him and explaining all the rules.  Oh, how I miss that little boy.

We put out our first Christmas decorations today.  We had intentions of putting up our Christmas tree, but just didn't get there.  We've decided to just put up one tree in the living room and my plan is to get it up this coming up week.  I'm just not motivated.  I did, however, want to get Ezra's decorations out at the cemetery - and I wanted it to be the first decorating that we did.  We bought him some Christmasy flowers and picks and even a jingle bell "E" for the vase and then we got 2 solar powered Christmas trees to put on either side of it.  You can't see it very good in the picture, but there's a little blue bird in the top to symbolize Ezra.  It ended up looking very pretty.  We're going to sneak up there tomorrow night to see the trees in action.

It seems like the past few weeks have brought with them waves of emotions that I just can't predict and once I get thinking, it's hard to control them.  I think part of it is Christmas on the way and there are SO many commercials about toys and baby products.  And Randall and I watched the "Twilight" movies recently and I was so excited to see "Breaking Dawn" (since I haven't read the books yet) until I saw a preview and saw that Bella had a baby.  Really?  Is there anywhere I'm safe from things that would bring back a flood of emotion?  We are dedicated TLC fans and EVERY show that we watch has either a pregnant woman or a baby.  19 Kids and Counting...The Little Couple (the surrogate lost the baby)...Sister Wives.  And Randall and I have decided that Walmart gives an extra discount to mothers with babies if they will come and shop while we are there.  (Okay, not really, but it does seem like there's a baby around every corner.)  But even with all the shows and babies, I still find moments during my day when I feel like my smile and laugh are genuine and thinking of happy thoughts about Ezra and doing things for him (like decorations) can bring a smile instead of a tear.  I know that God is with me and that's the only way that I have come through this horrible season of my life with a smile in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him HORRIBLY, but I know that Ezra wouldn't want me to be sad and frowny all the time.  He would want me to smile...he wants me to smile.  The other night while we were at the cemetery, I was talking to him like I always do and when I said, "I love you, my Ezra" his solar hummingbird (this was before we changed it to the trees) came on bright red.  That definitely brought a smile to my face.  I love how he finds ways to "talk" to me and I'm convinced that God knows that's what I need to keep me going and keep me positive.

We sang a song at the early service Sunday morning and it was like the words were written just for me.  We practiced it several times the Wednesday before, but I didn't really listen to the words until Sunday morning.  It's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

I miss you, little Ezra.  I hope that you like your decorations and that you look down on them and smile.  I love you, sweet baby.

A note from Ezra's daddy...

Ezra, there’s not a day that goes by that daddy doesn’t think about you.  Mommy and I love you and miss you very much.  I keep seeing your little nose in my mind (my nose) and imagine how you would look as a 1, 2, 3… year old.  There is this boy in PreK at my school that has a very similar nose.  Every time I see him I think about how you would look at age 4.  

There is so much that I wanted to share with you, so much I wanted to teach you (and for you to teach me in the processJ).  There's a Lego commercial that’s been coming on, and every time I see it I think about sitting in the living room floor with you and building something together (this was daddy’s favorite toy as a boy).  

At the same time, I know you’re experiencing things I can’t even dream of right now.  I know that God has much bigger plans for you that I can’t even comprehend right now...    

 

I better go for now.  Mommy is working on a Chrismon ornament to be placed on the tree at church in your memory.

 

Love,

Daddy 

Snowflakes

So we finally received our first snowflakes of the year from Ezra.  As soon as I saw them falling, I told my students to get their coats and that we were going outside.  I let them run around in the snow for a few minutes enjoying my sweet gifts from my sweet little boy. 

Thank you, sweet Ezra, for a Thursday morning gift.  Mommy loves you.

Whispered Prayers

Souls in danger
Bodies broken
Trouble here and
Everywhere
Arms that can't reach where they want to
Somehow make it
Through whispered prayers

Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers

Dark in midnight o'er the valley
Doesn't seem that
life is fair
What we need is
Our God's presence
It is ours now through whispered prayers


Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers
-Karen Peck & New River

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  These have been the hardest three months of my life.  I wish I could have been hugging you and telling you "happy 3 month birthday" today.  Was that you sending my students my way with all those hugs today?  You continue to amaze me, little one.  I love you so much.

When You Hear the Bell Ring...

Rough day today.  It was "All Saints Day" at church where they remember those who have earned their angel wings during the past year.  Okay, so they don't word it that way, but I like that explanation better.  We found out about it on Wednesday and Randall and I have had a really difficult time over the past few days preparing ourselves for this service.  We've collectively shed more tears over the past 4 days than we had over the previous month.  That combined with Halloween last week resulted in a very melancholy week at the Egan house.

I'm thankful that instead of calling up each family individually they decided to call all of the families up at one time so that we could all stand together and not be singled out.  My parents, Granny Lou, and Randall's parents were all there with us and they came up front with us.  When they read Ezra's story, all the members of the choir stood as well.  All of Ezra's "other" aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Nancy Hickman made the comment to us before the service started that "you can't have pain and tears without love...and oh was that little boy loved."  It made me cry, but it made me smile, too, because it's so true that Ezra was so loved.

The story that Nancy read about Ezra said the following: "Hearts are heavy that we never got to hold Ezra, but we generously gave him love as he grew in his mother's womb and we watched the love in the eyes and smiles of his parents and grandparents.  We were all excited to learn that the baby was a "he" and the day we learned his name was Ezra was a "happening" in our lives.  His impact on Cassidy has been great and remains a powerful force.  It is because of our faith and hope that we know that someday we will run through the fields chasing butterflies with Ezra Gryffin Egan."  We got a beautiful bell that will be a forever outward reminder of our little boy.  Inward reminders will be constant as well.

Although the tears were streaming down my face, I had to smile because of the butterfly reference.  You see at Holston Valley, all the baby rooms are decorated with butterflies.  I stared at those butterflies for two days.  I never wanted to see another butterfly.  When the flowers were delivered from the funeral home, several of them had picks with butterflies on top.  Randall and I promptly threw them over into the mulch.  So when BVU came to cut down our trees, they apparently thought they had knocked them over, so they stuck them upright in the mulch.  Then it became the butterfly joke and we knew that was another "Ezra joke".  The fact that his story this morning mentioned a butterfly lets me know that Ezra was smiling down saying "gotcha" again.  That sweet boy definitely has a sense of humor!

But he has a sweet side, too.  So many times this week that I've felt his little hands and the arms of God around me.  Like when I was saying my prayers one morning and had just uttered, "Let Ezra know Mommy loves him" and Cassidy out of no where came up behind me, put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me (the best way a cat can anyway).  Or this morning when I prayed "Lord, I need You, this is too hard," and Susan Arnold came over almost immediately and took communion with me and sat with me until the service was over.  Or the quotes I've "found" on pinterest.com this week that have been such a comfort to me:

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us and lets us know they are happy." -Eskimo sayings

Mommy misses you, sweet Ezra.  Being away from you makes me cry and you are the only one who can take away my tears by showing me something silly or showing your sweetness.  You are one remarkable little boy.  I love you.

Halloween Decorations

I do most of my deep thinking in the shower every morning.  At school when I start a sentence with "I had a great idea" Carla always says, "you've been thinking in the shower again..."  So, my thought for the morning was: "Ezra needs to see some Halloween decorations."  We decided not to decorate the house as it was just too painful to get out as we had already planned all the different Halloween poses we were going to have in pictures this year.  I had to walk quickly past the aisles of baby costumes in stores.  And then there's his bib that said "First Halloween" that is still packed away in a drawer in his nursery.  Too much anticipation turned to misery.

Anyway, back to the original purpose for this post: Ezra's decorations.  Since the kids in my classroom were helping me carve a pumpkin at school today, I thought that it would be a sweet thing to take the finished product to the cemetery for Ezra.  We bought battery powered candles and put in the pumpkin and then Randall and I took it over there tonight.  I hope he and his friends enjoy watching it glow tonight.  I guess there's no need for costumes in heaven....because everyone gets to wear the angel wings.  :)

Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.

Playing Catch Up

I haven't been posting as much as I was previously.  I've sat down at my computer multiple times over the past few weeks, but the words just wouldn't come.  Maybe it's because I've been able to have longer conversations about Ezra with people in person.  Maybe it's because I've been throwing myself into a million crafts to keep my mind occupied.  Maybe it's because sitting down and typing out my feelings makes me emotional.  Whatever the reasons, I wanted to get caught up.

I went back to church two Sundays ago.  It was hard, but everyone was so wonderful.  Lots of hugs and people saying they were glad to see me.  Few people asking how I was doing.  SO thankful for that.  Because even though I can make it through a school day or a church service without crying, the scab on my heart can still break open at the drop of a hat.  Like yesterday at Walmart when the portrait studio lady asked if we had a child we could bring in for a free picture.  Or when the Bronner's ornament catalog comes in the mail.  Or when I hear a song on the radio.  Or when "Casper" is coming on TV.

I've also been singing in the praise team and chancel choir.  But I'm not going to sing in the Christmas cantata.  I tried it the first Wednesday I went back, but I just had to stop singing because of the huge lump that formed in my throat.  It's the first year in as far back as I can remember that I haven't sang in a cantata, but I'm just not strong enough yet.

I'm doing a lot of activities in my classroom that I've never done before...mainly because I don't want to have a minute of downtime at school because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  I've created so many new things that my folders are busting at the seams.  Then at home....every room of our house is filled with spools of ribbon and yarn for wreaths, ornament parts, and every other craft product I can find.  My hands NEED to be doing something when I'm at home.  The wreaths I'm making have occupied my mind for hours in the past few weeks.  Oh, yeah, and I've actually had all my papers graded by Friday night this year.  I'm definitely not giving my mind time to take a stroll...good or bad...but necessary for me right now.

Ezra's marker came in this week as well.  It was bittersweet to see it.  It's beautiful.  But seeing his name there made both me and Randall cry.  I had so many plans for where I would see that name.  Birth announcements.  Baby dedication.  Kindergarten registration.  Birthday invitations.  High School Diploma.  I had NO plans to see it on a granite marker in the cemetery.

I really don't know what else to say except....

I. Miss. Ezra.  Mommy loves you, baby.

Help Pour Out the Rain

It's been 2 months...hard to believe that it's been that long since my little Ezra was born already sleeping in the arms of Jesus.  But then at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.  I still miss him like it happened yesterday.  I still think about him all the time.  I still wonder what his cries and coos would sound like, what he would think about a bath, if he would like to brush his hand across Cassidy's back.  So many questions...so few answers.

Since I don't have the answers I wish I did, I find myself making things up in my mind.  This morning I walked by a window and felt the sun streaming in and I thought about Ezra.  And I thought of the country song about the little girl who asked his dad if she could help pour out the rain when she got to heaven.  My mind started to wander and I started daydreaming about all the little babies and children in heaven seated at the feet of Jesus.  He tells them to think about what they want to do that day to make their mommy or daddy down on earth smile.  He then says, "Raise your hand [yes, I am a first grade teacher and in heaven, I'm sure that the kids don't shout out answers, they raise their hands politely] if you think your Mommy or Daddy would like to see sunshine."  A whole bunch of little hands raise up into the air.  Jesus says, "that's the majority for today, so we're going to blow all the clouds away, except for the pretty white fluffy one."  The next day, there are more hands for a rainbow, so they get out their paint sets and make a beautiful one.  The next day, they get out their buckets and pour out the rain showers.  And then there's that day when it's beautiful and sunny all around, and just a few raindrops fall on my head....that's the water gun and Ezra is smiling and laughing at me wondering if it was raindrops or if I got under a bird at the wrong time. 

Now I know there is nothing in the Bible to support my daydreams, but they have brought me some comfort today.  And you know what, the meteorologist is NOT always correct.  Maybe those days when he/she predicts sun and it rains are the days when the babies vote for the rain.  Maybe when he/she says there's a 90% chance of rain and instead the sun shines bright, those babies knew their mommies or daddies needed some sunshine.  Even if there is nothing to back my thoughts, it brings me comfort and lets me feel my Ezra near me.

Sunshine, raindrops, spiders, rabbits, cool breezes, the tree that changed from green to red before all the others in the cemetery...I see and feel Ezra in all of those things.  And who is to say that Jesus isn't letting him have a hand in making those things special to me?

When we visited the cemetery tonight we noticed that the stone of the baby girl buried beside Ezra had been cleaned off and the date was clearly visible: October 9, 2010.  She has been in heaven for a year today.  My hope and prayer today is that her parents saw the red tree and felt the cool breeze like we did today and thought of their little one.  Who knows...maybe she and Ezra were blowing that cool breeze together as we visited today.

Enough for today...

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Mommy misses you and loves you so much.

Keep Talking, Ezra...

Looking on the internet tonight I found a sweet website/blog (http://www.justacloudaway.com) that had the following writing on it (I borrowed it).  It made me cry, but it made me smile as well.  The part that I put in bold really made me smile and I know that it was not a coincidence that I found this site.  Anyone who knows Randall and I know that we love snow.  I can't wait for the first snowflakes this year now so that I can feel my sweet Ezra's kisses.

If He Could Tell You...

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would. I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly. 

I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly. 

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope. 

He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.

12-16-03 Melanie Johnson Isayev

Mommy loves you, Ezra.  Keep talking to me.

A New Month....

The following lyrics are from "Stronger" by Mandisa...

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

I heard this song today on the radio...the words seemed to speak just to me...something I needed for sure this weekend.  Although I don't think the pain from losing my Ezra will ever go away, it will eventually become more bearable and I will have grown from the experience.  I just have to keep telling myself that.

We went to O'Charleys today and this young couple came in carrying a sleeping baby in a carrier.  I said a silent prayer that they would be seated across the restaurant from us...but they ended up being right beside us.  At first they put him in one of the baby seat holders and he was literally a foot away from our table.  But then they moved him to the seat beside the mom.  I honestly don't think I could have eaten a bite if he had been that close.  He was about the size that I think Ezra would have been now. 

I miss him so much. 

Mommy loves you, sweet Ezra.

What a Difference a Year Makes...

Cassidy and I are sitting here right now watching Restaurant Impossible.  I just finished watering the trees and plants in Ezra's garden.  The mums are blooming out and look so pretty around the tree - the yellow is such a beautiful pop of color in the brown mulch.  I look forward to when we get "phase two" complete and add the layer of rocks around the first layer.  I think we've decided to wait until spring to do this since we don't want to leave pots sitting our during the winter anyway...especially if this winter is like last winter with the cold and snow. 

We're still debating about Christmas decorations this year.  In the past we've put a Christmas tree in almost every room of our house...two in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the office, one in our bedroom.  We have SO many Christmas decorations for the entire house, but I'm just not sure if I can put them up this year.  You see, we took our first pregnancy test and found out that we were expecting Ezra on Christmas Eve last year.  Randall and Cassidy were both waiting outside the bathroom door when I came out with the test.  We didn't trust the results because the "plus sign" was light, so we bought two digital tests.  We took one on Christmas morning that said very clearly "pregnant" and then one three days later.  My greatest present last year was finding out I was going to be a mother.  It's something I will always associate with Christmas.  And since Randall and I always leave our trees up until the last possible minute because we love them so much, we spent many hours by those trees thinking about how our next Christmas was going to be so different and so wonderful.  We talked about how either Ezra or Molly (since we didn't know then we were having a sweet little boy) would be nearly 4 months old and would enjoy looking at all the lights all over the house.  We talked about what kind of tree we were going to put in the nursery.  We planned what kinds of new traditions we were going to create.

But now that I'm thinking more about it, Christmas last year is associated with incredibly happy memories.  Even though 9 months later we didn't have the fairytale ending that we had anticipated, those days were some of the happiest and most exciting of my life.  As much as I worry about how those trees are going to yearn for what I don't have, the reality is I'm going to yearn no matter what.  And I worry that the lack of trees and decorations will be more of a reminder of our loss than putting the trees up and remembering the exciting and memorable times from last Christmas.  Ezra will be a part of our Christmas celebration.  I don't know how yet, and I'm sure it will be a very emotional holiday, but Ezra will be a part and will retain some sense of normalcy.  We owe that to Ezra.  Because I want him to look down from heaven and I want him to smile when he sees that his Mommy and Daddy are smiling when they remember him.  I don't want him to see us crying all the time because smiles are what he would have seen if he was sitting beside me right now.  I was excited for him to see the trees and the lights and the decorations.  Now he has the most incredible view...and I'm sure he'll be excited when he sees them...especially the deer that I want to get to put beside his garden.

Well, that was a complete 180 I just took from the beginning of this post to the end...

Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little boy. 

Sweet Gifts from Above

For the most part Randall and I both feel that going back to school last week and getting back into a routine has been a good thing.  At school I feel like there's always something for me to do and little time to let my mind wander.  Everyone has been so respectful of my feelings and what I wanted to share.  This week I've felt more comfortable talking about Ezra and I'm so thankful for those who have lent a listening ear.  I'm more thankful, though, that these people have said "Ezra" when they've been talking about him and not just "your baby" or "the baby."  They probably don't even know that they did it, but just this simple choice of words lets me know how much they care about me because it allows Ezra to be a person, my son...and I need that.  I need to know that they see him the same way I see him.  Oh, how I miss Ezra!

Yesterday was the roughest day I've had since I went back to school and the fact that it was a Tuesday meant that everything I felt was intensified.  My students were extra talkative which meant I felt like I was constantly having to give reminders about expectations and that in itself is exhausting.  Then, when I was putting my kids on the bus, a substitute that hadn't been at school much this year came up to me and said, "how's the baby?"  I felt like someone had slapped me across my face.  At first I didn't answer and I'm sure that she saw the look of horror that came across my face.  I realize that she just didn't know about what had happened, but that didn't make it any easier to hear the question.  I answered her, she replied with "they'll be more" and I quickly moved away.  Luckily at that moment a sweet boy that I taught last year walked by and I smiled at me and I held my hand out to him to walk him to his bus, as I had done most days last year.  When he got on the bus, he gave me a big smile and said, "Thanks, Mrs. Egan!"  He never knew that he was saving me from having a meltdown on the sidewalk in front of a whole group of students...he just thought he got lucky and had an escort to the bus.  I'm so thankful that God had him cross my path at that exact instant....I'm so thankful for that gift.  I like to think that Ezra suggested it because he heard him talk so much last year and knew that I enjoyed walking him to the bus...come to think about it, Ezra escorted him last year as well...  As soon as I got back down to my room, I let myself have a good cry, because I just couldn't hold it back any more.  Just then a colleague walked in my room and we talked for about 45 minutes.  Although it was a talk that was filled with tears, it was nice to talk about Ezra.  I've had a few of those conversations this week and I'm so grateful for all those people.  Sweet conversations and sweet gifts from above.  

I've posted a few things on facebook here lately about all the precious animals that we've seen (and been only a few feet away from) at the cemetery when we've gone to visit with Ezra.  Let me pause here and say, for those of you who might be concerned about all our trips to the cemetery, that we know that Ezra is playing and being loved in a peaceful spot in heaven and we know that his plot in the cemetery is only a resting place for his earthly body.  But since we never had the opportunity to take Ezra out of the hospital and make memories at any "special" spots, his place at the cemetery is really the only tangible spot we have of him.  I talk to him all the time at multiple places, but I just have the need to visit him as well.  That being said, over the past couple of weeks, at the cemetery we've seen three deer, two raccoons, rabbits, groundhogs, and squirrels...and all have been within a few feet of us.  The deer were looking at us from the brush and Randall I were both just rooted to the spot because it was just unbelievable to us that they were that close.  The raccoons were in a tree dangling right over our heads and we watched them until it got dark one night.  And the rabbit...well it ran right in front us, almost over top of where the straw is laying to encourage grass growth on Ezra's plot.  We think that either rabbits or deer are the sneaky ones that ate the daisy's from Ezra's flowers.  All we found were stems that had the flowers snapped off of them!  I bet that God and Ezra have enjoyed watching Randall and I as they sent these animals to us.  I believe with all my heart that they are the reason these animals are flocking towards us...I can't wait to see what they send next.  I just hope whatever it is, it is friendly! 

Thanks for the animals you've sent our way, Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much.

37 Weeks

We have officially survived our first three days back to school.  When we get home in the afternoons we are physically and emotionally spent.  I do pretty good during the time of the day I spend teaching.  It's the few minutes that I'm by myself in my classroom that I find myself having time to let my mind wander...and of course it only has one place that it wants to go...my sweet Ezra.  I can't believe it's been five weeks since the last time I saw him, held him, touched him.  I still miss him like it was yesterday.

Everyone at school has been amazing.  My first grade team has been so supportive and offered to help in countless ways.  I've tried to do as much for myself as I can just to keep my mind occupied, but they will never know how much I appreciate their offers.  I've got such a sweet class of students and for the most part they are good listeners and enjoy the things we've been doing.  I look forward to building a connection with them like classes from the past.  It was really weird stepping back into teaching on Monday midstream as I felt like a stranger (and was for the most part), but I already feel like I'm starting to build relationships with them, it's just going to take longer than three days.  The best part of the time I've been back is that none of the students (past or present) have asked about Ezra.  Even though I think most of them know what happened (or at least have heard a "kid friendly version") they haven't asked any questions.  I'm so thankful for that because as difficult as it is for me to answer questions from adults about Ezra, I'm just not sure my heart could handle answering a question from a child.  The closest that I came to breaking down came during car rider duty today when one of the boys I was putting into a car said, "have you seen my little brother?" and when I looked in the backseat a lump formed in my throat when I saw a little boy who would have been about the same age as Ezra asleep in his carseat with a soft blue blanket laid over his little legs.  I choked back the tears as I said "have a good afternoon," and tried to regroup as quickly as I could since the next student was coming out the door.  It made my heart ache and it took me a good 30 minutes after I got back down to my room to be able to concentrate on anything.  One of the books I'm reading right now describes a moment like this as a scab being torn off your healing heart and I think that's a very accurate description...it hurts horribly for a few minutes, but then you have to be careful with it for a time after that because any wandering thought could make it start bleeding and aching again.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my time with Ezra, when he was in my belly and we were as close as a mother and son could be.  We had so many good times together in those short 37 weeks.  We got to be the cause of so much joy together as we revealed that a baby was on the way in December/January.  We made people wait impatiently by their facebook news feeds as we revealed that this baby was a boy in April.  We watched movies together, relaxed on the couch, and took lots of refreshing naps.  We went shopping, ate lots of frozen yogurt, and wrote out lesson plans.  We sang songs, read books, and researched on the internet.  Ezra made his daddy smile and his eyes widen as his hand or foot caused my belly to jump for the first time.  We listened to music from my ipod and Ezra kicked or punched to the beat...well maybe not to the beat, but he liked music.  I treasure every minute that we had together.  It makes me sad to think about all the mothers who complain about how miserable they are during the pregnancy.  Randall will tell you that I told him on numerous occasions how much I enjoyed carrying Ezra in my stomach.  Looking back I believe now that I was blessed with such an easy pregnancy all the way up to the end because God wanted me to be able to look back to that time and smile with good memories.  Those 37 weeks were some of the happiest of my life and even though they have been followed by the most excruciatingly painful, I still treasure the time that I had with my Ezra.  Now, don't get me wrong, I would give ANYTHING to change the outcome of August 9, but that sweet baby made me the happiest mom in the world for his very short time on earth.

I love you, sweet little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much.

Another Difficult Day...

Today Ezra would have been one month old...

Mommy loves you, sweet boy.

Trip

I can't believe it's already the beginning of September and it's been 4 weeks since Ezra Gryffin was born.  Another Tuesday has passed.  Another day of finding myself staring off into the distance, thinking about how I was holding my baby 4 weeks ago, and thinking about what I wish I was doing tonight with my month old son.  Another night of getting ready for bed without a baby to hold in my arms and kiss goodnight.  Another night with no lullaby songs or bedtime stories.  It seems that the sadness seems to hit me hardest at night.  Maybe it's where I'm tired from the day or maybe it's just that the evening hours bring on more time to think.  And then it seems that this all gives my heart permission to ache even stronger for the little boy who is not here with me.

We've been out of town this week with Mom and Dad in National Harbor, Maryland, which is is suburb of Washington DC.  Chuck, our pastor, and my doctors encouraged us to take a little trip before going back to work to regroup.  At first we thought about the beach, but I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing all the little kids that would be surely be on the sand and in the water each day...especially since Randall and I had already been making plans for Ezra's first beach trip and all the things we would do there with him.  We decided on National Harbor because we thought we wouldn't have to look at lots of babies and feel the scabs on our hearts be torn open again....apparently we should have gone some place else if that's what we were trying to avoid.  This area has really built up since the last time we were here and it is filled with families...lots of kids....and tons of babies.  It's been so hard to see all of these happy families, but I think it's been therapeutic for us to just be immersed because back home we were trying to avoid any situation that would involve babies.  We've watched so much Food Network that we should be gourmet chefs by now...because Food Network doesn't have sad shows and very few children.  (On a humorous note...we've apparently only been watching TV for the noise and not been really comprehending what we were watching because 3 times now we've watched the same episode of Rachael Ray and not realized it until she was putting the food on the plate!)  We had only been out to eat one time before we left on our trip so that we wouldn't have to see people.  It was just easier to be out and about up here because we didn't know anyone, no one could ask questions, and we didn't have to go through the heartbreak of telling the story to people who didn't know about Ezra's birth and death.

We did a little bit of sightseeing while we were in DC, but a lot of our time was spent dodging raindrops...or downpours would be more like it.  We went on a evening tour of the monuments one night and they were so beautiful - we had never seen them at night and it was such a different view of them.  We went to a couple of Smithsonian museums during the days.  Overall it was a nice trip and we enjoyed spending time with Mom and Dad.  But there were many moments throughout the days we were gone where I couldn't help but think of all the trips in the future.  Trips I had pictured in my mind for 9 months.  Now the actual photographs will be terribly different.  And what I'm about to say is going to sound crazy, but I still can't picture the future without him in it.  For 9 months I pictured our future together as a family of 3 and it hurts so bad each time I realize that our family is back to just 2.  I think that for a long time each time I see a picture of me and Randall I will either visualize Ezra with us or feel a pain through my heart of how he's missing....probably not just for a "long time"...probably for the rest of my life.


I think the thing I've been struggling with this week has been the finality of Ezra truly being gone.  I told Randall the other day that since we never had the opportunity to bring Ezra home I still get this odd feeling every now and then that I've never given birth and that we still need to make preparations for him.  So much of my time before he was born was filled with getting things ready for his nursery, writing thank you notes, and learning how to care for a newborn.  It seems that every time I sat down I was trying to find something that I could work on for him.  Now I sit down and I forget for a moment and I find myself wondering what I need to be working on.  And it all comes crashing back down on me.  There's nothing more I can work on for him.  My Ezra is never going to be down the hall from me.  My mind realizes that, but my heart still has difficult with comprehending it.

I miss him so much.  I love you, my Ezra.

Due Date

Another difficult day.  Today was Ezra's due date.  I purposely have not been looking at a calendar because I knew this day was approaching, but it arrived even with me trying not to notice.  For months I had been looking toward this date as one of the happiest in my life, but instead I found myself standing with Randall at the cemetery, staring at a vase full of sunflowers, crying for my baby.

I miss you, my Ezra Gryffin.  Mommy loves you.

Hello, Goodbye

Happy 3 week birthday, my little Ezra.  I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks since we said hello and then goodbye to you.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, my sweet little prince.

An outsider looking in would think that Randall and I seem much improved since last week.  It's true that our tears have been less, but our hearts are still hurting beyond belief.  Tuesdays are definitely the worst days of the week because it marks another week since we lost our baby.  When I wake up on Tuesday morning, my feet barely hit the ground before tears stream down my face.  I miss my baby so much.  Today was a day when all I wanted to do was feel him in my arms again and hold him.  I just can't get the thought of it out of my head.  I've prayed for strength more today that almost any day since the funeral.  If it wasn't for the strength from God, I would have been sitting in a heap in the floor crying my eyes out all day today.  I still had my moments, but I at least made it through the day on my feet.

Randall worked yesterday and today planting the trees from HPES and RVES that were sent in memory of Ezra.  We planted the crape myrtle (picture on right) on the side of the house in the grassy part that was in desperate need of a tree.  It looks so pretty and I can't wait to see it when it blooms next summer.

The dogwood (picture on left) is phase one of the Ezra memory garden.  Right now it has the dogwood in the center, the memorial stepping stone, three mums above the surface and 24 bulbs below the surface that will be coming up in the spring.  12 tulips and 12 daffodils.  I think Ezra will enjoy looking down on it this spring and seeing all the beautiful colors.  Nothing to compare, I'm sure, to what he's seeing now, but at least he will know that his Mommy and Daddy planted them while thinking of him.  Or, to be more realistic, Daddy planted them while Mommy looked on from the porch to supervise.  Because Mommy doesn't like bugs or worms...or dirt for that matter.  But Mommy loves Ezra - so I'll do the picking out of the flowers at Lowe's and let Daddy plant them...

Phase 2 of the Ezra garden is going to have a second layer of edging outside the first circle and it will be filled with tiny pea rocks.  We are going to move the memorial stepping stone out to this layer and then we are going to put four pots with flowers in it that we will change for the seasons.  We're hoping to start on it in the next couple of weeks.  I can't wait to see the finished product.

I feel like I'm jumping around as I'm writing tonight, but I wanted to say thank you for all the comments and messages I've gotten about writing this blog.  It has made me cry and smile to read all of your stories and feel your support.  I felt this support when we announced back in February that we were expecting, when we revealed that we were having a boy (and there were a ton of people we found out later clicking refresh because they were excited), and now I feel it in his passing to heaven.  Even though I haven't really been able to see it these past three weeks, I am so blessed.  I didn't start writing this blog for pity and I'm thankful that most of you haven't seen it as that.  As a message that I got on facebook tonight said, "I feel like I know your heart better and know more how to pray for you."  And prayers are what is helping me to get through the most painful days of my life.

Tonight I post the "Hello, Goodbye" lyrics by Michael W. Smith that were read at Ezra's funeral.  I love you, Ezra Gryffin.

Hello, Goodbye

Where is the navigator of your destiny?
Where is the dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and it's brevity?
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand.
You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet.

Ezra, hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side.
Ezra, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side.

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the very hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me.
When you get there, save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile.

Ezra, hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side.
Ezra, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side.