Happy Birthday, Ezra!

Balloons sent to Ezra's party from Cassidy UMC

I had all intentions of writing a post on Ezra's birthday.  We didn't have plans, I didn't have anything that I had to do for school, and we ordered pizza.  You would think that it would have been no problem for me to write.  Until the pictures started pouring in on facebook, my email, and Randall's email.  I was mesmerized and I couldn't help but click on the little envelope on facebook each time it had a number on top of it.  Click, download, save to folder.  Over 150 times.  Over 150 pictures as a memorial to my sweet Ezra.

Okay, let me back up here and explain WHY we were getting these pictures.  You see, about a month ago I was in the shower (where I do my best thinking) and I had the idea that we would send out a few letters to people with a balloon inside asking them to send it up to Ezra's birthday party in heaven.  I said in the letter that it was hard to imagine what we could do to make heaven more beautiful, but that I was sure God wouldn't mind if we sent up some balloons for the party.  We asked people to please take a picture of themselves or of their balloons when they let them go and send them to us because I wanted to put them as the last page in Ezra's baby book.  Now, to be honest, we expected to get maybe 20 pictures, if that.  We were overwhelmed by the outpouring of pictures (and LOVE) from our wonderful family, church family, friends, and co-workers.  It was truly amazing.  What I had planned to make into a PAGE is now going to be a whole book in itself.  Once school gets back into full swing and I have a few minutes to breathe, I'm going to upload them all to shutterfly and get started on Ezra's birthday book.

Beautiful balloon from Skip and Mandy Barker

Not only were we amazed by the sheer number of balloons that were sent to our sweet Ezra, but the messages on the balloons were incredible as well.  It was truly evident that the people who sent them truly love us and our son.  I know that Ezra was looking down with a big smile on his face as he saw people in Virginia, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, Missouri, and who knows where else sending him presents.  My favorite comment was from my cousin in Kansas City who is about to start kindergarten.  His mom explained why they were sending up the balloons and he said, "Okay, but next year I want to send Legos."  :)

A year later and I still miss Ezra so much.  It's hard to even put into words how much I still grieve for him and long to hold him.  Several people told us how we've shown so much faith through this year, but most of the time I just feel like I'm still struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  I just struggle with a smile on my face, because when Ezra looks down from heaven I want him to see his Mommy with a smile and not a tear as much as possible.  I want him to see me how he would have been seeing me if he were here on earth.  I want him to tell Jesus, "Look - there's my mama.  She makes me laugh!" 

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Miss you like crazy!  XOXO