It's been awhile since I posted last....we've definitely been keeping busy. We are out of school for spring break right now and tonight has been the first night where I could actually take time to post. Our choir at Cassidy did a big music service for the Good Friday service at church and then we did some special music this morning, so it's been a busy time. I feel like I'm running on empty. I'm so glad that we have tomorrow and Tuesday out for our spring break and the short week for the remaining days will be a welcome breather as well.
We went to the cemetery today to take pictures of Ezra's Easter flowers that we put out for him. They looked beautiful, even if I do say so myself. It made my heart ache today to see all the pictures posted on facebook of all the families all dressed up in their Easter frocks and knowing that the picture I would be posting would be one from the cemetery. Randall and I had already talked about what we wanted to do for Easter with Ezra - we were going to start a tradition of putting out an Easter basket the night before Easter (kind of like a stocking) for the Easter Bunny to come and fill for the next morning. I could barely walk up the Easter aisle at Walmart thinking of how things should have been this year. I still miss him so much.
I still have flashbacks in my mind of what we were doing this time last year and how we were planning for our sweet baby boy. And besides the fact that today is Easter, I had the added thoughts today of 8 months ago when I was told that Ezra no longer had a heartbeat here on earth. Tomorrow will be 8 months since I saw him for the first and last time. I have trouble putting into words how this still makes me feel like I'm drowning. When I think back to those days, I feel like I'm stuck below the water and I'm fighting to get back to shore. I just wish I could go back to the weeks before, knowing what was to come, and make them deliver him early. Because then everything would be okay. He might have been a little premature, but he would be with me now. I know that thoughts like those are probably not healthy, but I guess that's part of the grieving process....the "what might have beens" and the "I wish I could go back and make everything okay".
I miss you, sweet Ezra. I hope that you enjoyed seeing the Easter sunrise from your side. I love you, sweet boy.
**Note - I actually wrote this on Sunday and thought it posted, but it apparently did not....
