I can't believe it's already the beginning of September and it's been 4 weeks since Ezra Gryffin was born. Another Tuesday has passed. Another day of finding myself staring off into the distance, thinking about how I was holding my baby 4 weeks ago, and thinking about what I wish I was doing tonight with my month old son. Another night of getting ready for bed without a baby to hold in my arms and kiss goodnight. Another night with no lullaby songs or bedtime stories. It seems that the sadness seems to hit me hardest at night. Maybe it's where I'm tired from the day or maybe it's just that the evening hours bring on more time to think. And then it seems that this all gives my heart permission to ache even stronger for the little boy who is not here with me.
We've been out of town this week with Mom and Dad in National Harbor, Maryland, which is is suburb of Washington DC. Chuck, our pastor, and my doctors encouraged us to take a little trip before going back to work to regroup. At first we thought about the beach, but I just couldn't stand the thought of seeing all the little kids that would be surely be on the sand and in the water each day...especially since Randall and I had already been making plans for Ezra's first beach trip and all the things we would do there with him. We decided on National Harbor because we thought we wouldn't have to look at lots of babies and feel the scabs on our hearts be torn open again....apparently we should have gone some place else if that's what we were trying to avoid. This area has really built up since the last time we were here and it is filled with families...lots of kids....and tons of babies. It's been so hard to see all of these happy families, but I think it's been therapeutic for us to just be immersed because back home we were trying to avoid any situation that would involve babies. We've watched so much Food Network that we should be gourmet chefs by now...because Food Network doesn't have sad shows and very few children. (On a humorous note...we've apparently only been watching TV for the noise and not been really comprehending what we were watching because 3 times now we've watched the same episode of Rachael Ray and not realized it until she was putting the food on the plate!) We had only been out to eat one time before we left on our trip so that we wouldn't have to see people. It was just easier to be out and about up here because we didn't know anyone, no one could ask questions, and we didn't have to go through the heartbreak of telling the story to people who didn't know about Ezra's birth and death.
We did a little bit of sightseeing while we were in DC, but a lot of our time was spent dodging raindrops...or downpours would be more like it. We went on a evening tour of the monuments one night and they were so beautiful - we had never seen them at night and it was such a different view of them. We went to a couple of Smithsonian museums during the days. Overall it was a nice trip and we enjoyed spending time with Mom and Dad. But there were many moments throughout the days we were gone where I couldn't help but think of all the trips in the future. Trips I had pictured in my mind for 9 months. Now the actual photographs will be terribly different. And what I'm about to say is going to sound crazy, but I still can't picture the future without him in it. For 9 months I pictured our future together as a family of 3 and it hurts so bad each time I realize that our family is back to just 2. I think that for a long time each time I see a picture of me and Randall I will either visualize Ezra with us or feel a pain through my heart of how he's missing....probably not just for a "long time"...probably for the rest of my life.
I think the thing I've been struggling with this week has been the finality of Ezra truly being gone. I told Randall the other day that since we never had the opportunity to bring Ezra home I still get this odd feeling every now and then that I've never given birth and that we still need to make preparations for him. So much of my time before he was born was filled with getting things ready for his nursery, writing thank you notes, and learning how to care for a newborn. It seems that every time I sat down I was trying to find something that I could work on for him. Now I sit down and I forget for a moment and I find myself wondering what I need to be working on. And it all comes crashing back down on me. There's nothing more I can work on for him. My Ezra is never going to be down the hall from me. My mind realizes that, but my heart still has difficult with comprehending it.
I miss him so much. I love you, my Ezra.
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