Cassidy and I are sitting here right now watching Restaurant Impossible. I just finished watering the trees and plants in Ezra's garden. The mums are blooming out and look so pretty around the tree - the yellow is such a beautiful pop of color in the brown mulch. I look forward to when we get "phase two" complete and add the layer of rocks around the first layer. I think we've decided to wait until spring to do this since we don't want to leave pots sitting our during the winter anyway...especially if this winter is like last winter with the cold and snow.
We're still debating about Christmas decorations this year. In the past we've put a Christmas tree in almost every room of our house...two in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the office, one in our bedroom. We have SO many Christmas decorations for the entire house, but I'm just not sure if I can put them up this year. You see, we took our first pregnancy test and found out that we were expecting Ezra on Christmas Eve last year. Randall and Cassidy were both waiting outside the bathroom door when I came out with the test. We didn't trust the results because the "plus sign" was light, so we bought two digital tests. We took one on Christmas morning that said very clearly "pregnant" and then one three days later. My greatest present last year was finding out I was going to be a mother. It's something I will always associate with Christmas. And since Randall and I always leave our trees up until the last possible minute because we love them so much, we spent many hours by those trees thinking about how our next Christmas was going to be so different and so wonderful. We talked about how either Ezra or Molly (since we didn't know then we were having a sweet little boy) would be nearly 4 months old and would enjoy looking at all the lights all over the house. We talked about what kind of tree we were going to put in the nursery. We planned what kinds of new traditions we were going to create.
But now that I'm thinking more about it, Christmas last year is associated with incredibly happy memories. Even though 9 months later we didn't have the fairytale ending that we had anticipated, those days were some of the happiest and most exciting of my life. As much as I worry about how those trees are going to yearn for what I don't have, the reality is I'm going to yearn no matter what. And I worry that the lack of trees and decorations will be more of a reminder of our loss than putting the trees up and remembering the exciting and memorable times from last Christmas. Ezra will be a part of our Christmas celebration. I don't know how yet, and I'm sure it will be a very emotional holiday, but Ezra will be a part and will retain some sense of normalcy. We owe that to Ezra. Because I want him to look down from heaven and I want him to smile when he sees that his Mommy and Daddy are smiling when they remember him. I don't want him to see us crying all the time because smiles are what he would have seen if he was sitting beside me right now. I was excited for him to see the trees and the lights and the decorations. Now he has the most incredible view...and I'm sure he'll be excited when he sees them...especially the deer that I want to get to put beside his garden.
Well, that was a complete 180 I just took from the beginning of this post to the end...
Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little boy.
No comments:
Post a Comment