Our First Christmas Decorations

So, I've sat down at my computer at least 15 times over this Thanksgiving break to update my blog...but the words just wouldn't come without tears.  Thanksgiving was hard.  My first thought when I woke up that morning was about the bib that we bought for Ezra that said "Everyone's thankful for me" with a big colorful turkey on it.  I would have given anything to have been able to take him to Aunt Cheryl's for Thanksgiving dinner wearing that bib.  I know that the Black Friday ads would have still been in a pile on the counter if Ezra was there to be passed around.  I wonder what Thanksgiving is like in heaven.  Do they eat dinner and watch football?  I told Randall that I bet Grandma was feeding Ezra gravy just to spite us since we said we were going to keep people from feeding him table food!  :)  And I bet Papaw Bill was watching football with him and explaining all the rules.  Oh, how I miss that little boy.

We put out our first Christmas decorations today.  We had intentions of putting up our Christmas tree, but just didn't get there.  We've decided to just put up one tree in the living room and my plan is to get it up this coming up week.  I'm just not motivated.  I did, however, want to get Ezra's decorations out at the cemetery - and I wanted it to be the first decorating that we did.  We bought him some Christmasy flowers and picks and even a jingle bell "E" for the vase and then we got 2 solar powered Christmas trees to put on either side of it.  You can't see it very good in the picture, but there's a little blue bird in the top to symbolize Ezra.  It ended up looking very pretty.  We're going to sneak up there tomorrow night to see the trees in action.

It seems like the past few weeks have brought with them waves of emotions that I just can't predict and once I get thinking, it's hard to control them.  I think part of it is Christmas on the way and there are SO many commercials about toys and baby products.  And Randall and I watched the "Twilight" movies recently and I was so excited to see "Breaking Dawn" (since I haven't read the books yet) until I saw a preview and saw that Bella had a baby.  Really?  Is there anywhere I'm safe from things that would bring back a flood of emotion?  We are dedicated TLC fans and EVERY show that we watch has either a pregnant woman or a baby.  19 Kids and Counting...The Little Couple (the surrogate lost the baby)...Sister Wives.  And Randall and I have decided that Walmart gives an extra discount to mothers with babies if they will come and shop while we are there.  (Okay, not really, but it does seem like there's a baby around every corner.)  But even with all the shows and babies, I still find moments during my day when I feel like my smile and laugh are genuine and thinking of happy thoughts about Ezra and doing things for him (like decorations) can bring a smile instead of a tear.  I know that God is with me and that's the only way that I have come through this horrible season of my life with a smile in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him HORRIBLY, but I know that Ezra wouldn't want me to be sad and frowny all the time.  He would want me to smile...he wants me to smile.  The other night while we were at the cemetery, I was talking to him like I always do and when I said, "I love you, my Ezra" his solar hummingbird (this was before we changed it to the trees) came on bright red.  That definitely brought a smile to my face.  I love how he finds ways to "talk" to me and I'm convinced that God knows that's what I need to keep me going and keep me positive.

We sang a song at the early service Sunday morning and it was like the words were written just for me.  We practiced it several times the Wednesday before, but I didn't really listen to the words until Sunday morning.  It's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

I miss you, little Ezra.  I hope that you like your decorations and that you look down on them and smile.  I love you, sweet baby.