When You Hear the Bell Ring...

Rough day today.  It was "All Saints Day" at church where they remember those who have earned their angel wings during the past year.  Okay, so they don't word it that way, but I like that explanation better.  We found out about it on Wednesday and Randall and I have had a really difficult time over the past few days preparing ourselves for this service.  We've collectively shed more tears over the past 4 days than we had over the previous month.  That combined with Halloween last week resulted in a very melancholy week at the Egan house.

I'm thankful that instead of calling up each family individually they decided to call all of the families up at one time so that we could all stand together and not be singled out.  My parents, Granny Lou, and Randall's parents were all there with us and they came up front with us.  When they read Ezra's story, all the members of the choir stood as well.  All of Ezra's "other" aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Nancy Hickman made the comment to us before the service started that "you can't have pain and tears without love...and oh was that little boy loved."  It made me cry, but it made me smile, too, because it's so true that Ezra was so loved.

The story that Nancy read about Ezra said the following: "Hearts are heavy that we never got to hold Ezra, but we generously gave him love as he grew in his mother's womb and we watched the love in the eyes and smiles of his parents and grandparents.  We were all excited to learn that the baby was a "he" and the day we learned his name was Ezra was a "happening" in our lives.  His impact on Cassidy has been great and remains a powerful force.  It is because of our faith and hope that we know that someday we will run through the fields chasing butterflies with Ezra Gryffin Egan."  We got a beautiful bell that will be a forever outward reminder of our little boy.  Inward reminders will be constant as well.

Although the tears were streaming down my face, I had to smile because of the butterfly reference.  You see at Holston Valley, all the baby rooms are decorated with butterflies.  I stared at those butterflies for two days.  I never wanted to see another butterfly.  When the flowers were delivered from the funeral home, several of them had picks with butterflies on top.  Randall and I promptly threw them over into the mulch.  So when BVU came to cut down our trees, they apparently thought they had knocked them over, so they stuck them upright in the mulch.  Then it became the butterfly joke and we knew that was another "Ezra joke".  The fact that his story this morning mentioned a butterfly lets me know that Ezra was smiling down saying "gotcha" again.  That sweet boy definitely has a sense of humor!

But he has a sweet side, too.  So many times this week that I've felt his little hands and the arms of God around me.  Like when I was saying my prayers one morning and had just uttered, "Let Ezra know Mommy loves him" and Cassidy out of no where came up behind me, put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me (the best way a cat can anyway).  Or this morning when I prayed "Lord, I need You, this is too hard," and Susan Arnold came over almost immediately and took communion with me and sat with me until the service was over.  Or the quotes I've "found" on pinterest.com this week that have been such a comfort to me:

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us and lets us know they are happy." -Eskimo sayings

Mommy misses you, sweet Ezra.  Being away from you makes me cry and you are the only one who can take away my tears by showing me something silly or showing your sweetness.  You are one remarkable little boy.  I love you.