Six Months

Six months ago I said hello and then goodbye to my sweet little Ezra.  Yesterday I relived the doctor's appointment where we found out that Ezra was already living a perfect life in heaven.  Even six months later, it's hard for me to believe that it is true.  That I'll never hold him again here on earth.  I thought that the 36 hours that I had to endure in between finding out the horrific news and actually seeing him was the most horrible thing that I would go through.  Then a month later I thought that it surely couldn't feel worse than that.  But now, six months later, Ezra still fills my every thought and hundreds of times a day I feel the wash of agony all over again. 

One of the hardest things for both Randall and me is that people around us seem to feel that we are doing very well...well enough for them to talk about babies in front of us.  I know that the world did not and should not stop with our heartbreak, but for us it still feels like a knife through the heart when we see babies, hear about babies, or think about them.  It's not really a jealousy, but more of a longing of what we wish that we had.  I still miss my little Ezra more than words can express.  Today when I was going through the calendar routine with my students, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I had to put the number 9 piece up.  I'm pretty confident that I can say that every time the 9th comes around each month for the rest of my life I will think of Ezra and quickly calculate in my mind how old he would have been on that day.

I've still been trying to keep my hands and mind occupied as much as possible.  Left to idleness, my mind wanders and I fall deeper into the gloom that can overcome me.  I've taken up a new hobby - making hairbows.  Randall and I have several craft fairs lined up that we are going to set them up at to sell.  All the money I make is going toward a double oven for my kitchen.  Something else to keep me busy and my mind occupied. 

I miss you my little Ezra.  I think about you all the time.  Thank you for sending me the sweet blue bird as we visited the cemetery tonight.  I love you so much, my sweet boy.