They lied....

Whoever said that it gets easier with time...lied.  I still have so many times during my day where I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  Like I'm not sure how I can take a deep breath and I just have to think "really?"  Did they just say that?  Did I just see that?  Did I just hear that?  Case in point - tribute to James Earl Jones tonight on the Academy Awards....what was one clip in the montage....the Lion King, of course.  I go through Target around Valentine's Day....really?  Simba stuffed animals right in the middle?  What movie did my students watch in music on Friday?  The Lion King.  And not just those things...the little boys at Wal-Mart, the conversations with....well pretty much everyone at one point or another, the pictures - endless picture - on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Now, I could look at this two ways - 1) Ezra is trying to send me messages, sweet reminders, and make a connection.  2) The world is conspiring against me to rip the scab off my heart in any way that it can.  Even though my desire is to think it's #1, most days I lean towards #2. 

Maybe it's just that I'm at that point of the grieving process.  Maybe I'm becoming cynical.  Maybe I'm just finding that it's not becoming easier like everyone told me that it would.  I honestly thought that after Christmas I would find each day becoming less sad and hard to face.  But why?  Why would that be the magic day for all things to change?  He's still not here with me.  I still am not seeing him grow up.  I still am not holding him tonight.  So why would things be easier? 

Valentine's Day was extremely difficult.  As I was walking down the hallway to my classroom that morning I thought, I don't remember the Valentine's Day party in my room last year.  Then it hit me: I wasn't there for the party last year.  Randall and I both took a sick day to go to Dr. Earl's office and hear our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time.  What a wonderful Valentine's Day present.  I wish that I could just go back in time to that day and soak everything in even more than I did - knowing that it would be the last Valentine's Day that I would hear that sweet sound coming from his little heart. 

I miss you so much, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you soooooo much.  Always and forever.