Summer

Murder Mystery Dinner, Chattanooga, TN

I can't believe that it's already the end of June.  Randall and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last week in Chattanooga.  We went to the Murder Mystery Dinner Theater and had a lunch cruise on the river.  We had a wonderful time.  I'm still not sure how to feel about having a good time - should I feel guilty, should I feel thankful that God has allowed me to feel happy again, should I know that Ezra would want me to be the happy Mommy he remembers?  Probably.  But it's difficult. 

Chattanooga, TN

Oh, and by the way, guess what we saw on the banks of the river during our cruise?  What would be the chances that down in Chattanooga a family of deer would be munching on the vegetation right beside the speedboats and riverboats.  Hello there, Ezra.

I went to the mailbox yesterday and pulled out a catalog, which at first glance looked like the 50th Oriental Trading catalog that we've received this month.  Upon closer examination, though, I saw it was a party planning catalog.  Okay, we get one of those every now and then from Oriental as well.  But this one was different.  It was filled with all first birthday themes.  A whole catalog full.  And then it hit me - we should be planning Ezra's first birthday.

But I can't send cupcakes to heaven.

So this morning in the shower, I started thinking.  I can't plan the special first birthday for my little boy that I would like, but I do want to do something special for him.  So that he knows his Mommy is thinking about him and wants him to have a special day.  But here in the Egan house, we typically end up having birthday weeks.  So that's what Ezra is going to get, too.  So be looking for something in the mail the first part of August, because YOU are going to help make this a special day for him.  Be ready!

I love you, my sweet Ezra.  Mommy thinks about you all the time.  I miss you.

Ezra's Babysitter

Somewhere I read the following quote: "I know God will only give you what you can handle, but sometimes I think he trusts me too much."  I think that I could have penned this sentiment.  My grandmother, Winfreid, passed away on Thursday night.  She fell back at the beginning of the month and broke both of her legs right above her knee-replacements.  They could not do surgery because of the severity of the injury (and the fact that she was 92 years old) and she was in excruciating pain.  She was in the hospital for three weeks and they had to keep increasing the pain medication to the point that she was basically sedated because of the level of the pain she was in at the end.  It was so hard to see her in so much pain.  We spent the afternoon with her at the hospital on Thursday and left the hospital around 7.  We got a call around 9:30 saying that we needed to come back to the hospital.  We got another call about 10 minutes later saying that she was gone.  Mom, Dad, Randall, Pa and I went on to the hospital so that we could say our goodbyes, meeting Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Ken up there.

Our consolation is that she is with our sweet Ezra.  I can just imagine her up in heaven able to move around like she wanted to do here running through the fields and showing Ezra all the beautiful flowers.  On our way up to the funeral today, I saw a big, beautiful cumulus cloud.  I could just imagine the two of them sitting on the edge of the cloud with their legs hanging over swinging in the breeze and laughing together.  I could picture them waving down at our car going up the interstate and my grandma putting her hands to her mouth and shouting, "Don't worry about our baby - I'm here with him now."  Our baby.  Because she told me that she didn't send flowers to his funeral because instead she wanted to help with the stone and she gave me a note with money saying "for our baby."  My grandma was not an ooey-gooey sentimental person and this was such a strong statement from her.  I can't even begin to imagine the hugs and kisses she's given him since Thursday night.

King Graduation, 2005

Randall and I have been spending a lot of time this week with my parents and my grandpa.  They were married for 60 years.  I can't even begin to know how hard it was for him to say goodbye to her.  I'm cherish the special moments that we've gotten to spend together the past week, though.  Yesterday I was sitting with him and he took my hand, kissed it, and said "love you a bushel."  I know that makes my grandma smile when she looks down as well and she tells Ezra, "that's the sweet man I married."

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Give you great-grandma a big hug for me.  Love you both.  Miss you both.

9 months + Mother's Day = Overload

It's been 9 months today.  9 months of grieving.  9 months of tears.  9 months of small steps towards my new normal.  I still haven't opened the door to his nursery.  I still haven't boxed up one thing.  I still can't go an hour without thinking about Ezra and how much I wish he was here with me.  I feel like I could take my first post, my post 3 months ago and a month ago and they would almost say the same thing.  I miss him.  I love him.  I grieve everyday wishing things were different. 

I joined a Facebook group called "Grieving Mothers" and they post several poems, quotes, and pictures a day.  Though many of them make me cry, I feel like these people who post these things are reading my thoughts.  They know exactly what I need to hear.  This poem was posted yesterday about Mother's Day.  Made me cry, but also made me smile. 

"Dandelions From Heaven"
Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...
Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

When I walked out the door this morning I was sad because I knew what the date was.  When I got in my car I noticed that one of our Asiatic lilies was blooming.  Just one little bloom.  You can say that I'm grasping at straws, but I truly believe it was a message from my little Ezra.  His way of saying "I love you, Mommy."

I love you, my little Ezra.  Mommy thinks about you all the time.  I miss you. 

Easter

It's been awhile since I posted last....we've definitely been keeping busy.  We are out of school for spring break right now and tonight has been the first night where I could actually take time to post.  Our choir at Cassidy did a big music service for the Good Friday service at church and then we did some special music this morning, so it's been a busy time.  I feel like I'm running on empty.  I'm so glad that we have tomorrow and Tuesday out for our spring break and the short week for the remaining days will be a welcome breather as well.

We went to the cemetery today to take pictures of Ezra's Easter flowers that we put out for him.  They looked beautiful, even if I do say so myself.  It made my heart ache today to see all the pictures posted on facebook of all the families all dressed up in their Easter frocks and knowing that the picture I would be posting would be one from the cemetery.  Randall and I had already talked about what we wanted to do for Easter with Ezra - we were going to start a tradition of putting out an Easter basket the night before Easter (kind of like a stocking) for the Easter Bunny to come and fill for the next morning.  I could barely walk up the Easter aisle at Walmart thinking of how things should have been this year.  I still miss him so much.

I still have flashbacks in my mind of what we were doing this time last year and how we were planning for our sweet baby boy.  And besides the fact that today is Easter, I had the added thoughts today of 8 months ago when I was told that Ezra no longer had a heartbeat here on earth.  Tomorrow will be 8 months since I saw him for the first and last time.  I have trouble putting into words how this still makes me feel like I'm drowning.  When I think back to those days, I feel like I'm stuck below the water and I'm fighting to get back to shore.  I just wish I could go back to the weeks before, knowing what was to come, and make them deliver him early.  Because then everything would be okay.  He might have been a little premature, but he would be with me now.  I know that thoughts like those are probably not healthy, but I guess that's part of the grieving process....the "what might have beens" and the "I wish I could go back and make everything okay".


I miss you, sweet Ezra.  I hope that you enjoyed seeing the Easter sunrise from your side.  I love you, sweet boy.

**Note - I actually wrote this on Sunday and thought it posted, but it apparently did not....

They lied....

Whoever said that it gets easier with time...lied.  I still have so many times during my day where I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  Like I'm not sure how I can take a deep breath and I just have to think "really?"  Did they just say that?  Did I just see that?  Did I just hear that?  Case in point - tribute to James Earl Jones tonight on the Academy Awards....what was one clip in the montage....the Lion King, of course.  I go through Target around Valentine's Day....really?  Simba stuffed animals right in the middle?  What movie did my students watch in music on Friday?  The Lion King.  And not just those things...the little boys at Wal-Mart, the conversations with....well pretty much everyone at one point or another, the pictures - endless picture - on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Now, I could look at this two ways - 1) Ezra is trying to send me messages, sweet reminders, and make a connection.  2) The world is conspiring against me to rip the scab off my heart in any way that it can.  Even though my desire is to think it's #1, most days I lean towards #2. 

Maybe it's just that I'm at that point of the grieving process.  Maybe I'm becoming cynical.  Maybe I'm just finding that it's not becoming easier like everyone told me that it would.  I honestly thought that after Christmas I would find each day becoming less sad and hard to face.  But why?  Why would that be the magic day for all things to change?  He's still not here with me.  I still am not seeing him grow up.  I still am not holding him tonight.  So why would things be easier? 

Valentine's Day was extremely difficult.  As I was walking down the hallway to my classroom that morning I thought, I don't remember the Valentine's Day party in my room last year.  Then it hit me: I wasn't there for the party last year.  Randall and I both took a sick day to go to Dr. Earl's office and hear our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time.  What a wonderful Valentine's Day present.  I wish that I could just go back in time to that day and soak everything in even more than I did - knowing that it would be the last Valentine's Day that I would hear that sweet sound coming from his little heart. 

I miss you so much, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you soooooo much.  Always and forever.

Six Months

Six months ago I said hello and then goodbye to my sweet little Ezra.  Yesterday I relived the doctor's appointment where we found out that Ezra was already living a perfect life in heaven.  Even six months later, it's hard for me to believe that it is true.  That I'll never hold him again here on earth.  I thought that the 36 hours that I had to endure in between finding out the horrific news and actually seeing him was the most horrible thing that I would go through.  Then a month later I thought that it surely couldn't feel worse than that.  But now, six months later, Ezra still fills my every thought and hundreds of times a day I feel the wash of agony all over again. 

One of the hardest things for both Randall and me is that people around us seem to feel that we are doing very well...well enough for them to talk about babies in front of us.  I know that the world did not and should not stop with our heartbreak, but for us it still feels like a knife through the heart when we see babies, hear about babies, or think about them.  It's not really a jealousy, but more of a longing of what we wish that we had.  I still miss my little Ezra more than words can express.  Today when I was going through the calendar routine with my students, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I had to put the number 9 piece up.  I'm pretty confident that I can say that every time the 9th comes around each month for the rest of my life I will think of Ezra and quickly calculate in my mind how old he would have been on that day.

I've still been trying to keep my hands and mind occupied as much as possible.  Left to idleness, my mind wanders and I fall deeper into the gloom that can overcome me.  I've taken up a new hobby - making hairbows.  Randall and I have several craft fairs lined up that we are going to set them up at to sell.  All the money I make is going toward a double oven for my kitchen.  Something else to keep me busy and my mind occupied. 

I miss you my little Ezra.  I think about you all the time.  Thank you for sending me the sweet blue bird as we visited the cemetery tonight.  I love you so much, my sweet boy.

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Back in school for a day...then a snow day...then back today.  I don't know whether it is getting past Christmas and not having an immediate "focus" or what, but I've been feeling very melancholy for the past few days.  Perhaps it's just remembering what I was doing at this point last year.  I don't really know what the trigger is, but I'm missing my Ezra something awful.

I'm so thankful for my sweet Randall.  He is such a wonderful husband and I'm so blessed to have had his support and understanding through this.  Knowing that he truly understands my feelings makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I heard this song on the radio on the way home from choir practice tonight and it really touched me.  The chorus made me think of Randall and I just hope that I can be the same for him.

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"
by Martina McBride
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  I love you soooooo much.  Did you see the shirt Daddy got me for Christmas - it says "Expecto Patronum".  Keep sending me those patronus charms, my little Ezra.  :)