Easter

It's been awhile since I posted last....we've definitely been keeping busy.  We are out of school for spring break right now and tonight has been the first night where I could actually take time to post.  Our choir at Cassidy did a big music service for the Good Friday service at church and then we did some special music this morning, so it's been a busy time.  I feel like I'm running on empty.  I'm so glad that we have tomorrow and Tuesday out for our spring break and the short week for the remaining days will be a welcome breather as well.

We went to the cemetery today to take pictures of Ezra's Easter flowers that we put out for him.  They looked beautiful, even if I do say so myself.  It made my heart ache today to see all the pictures posted on facebook of all the families all dressed up in their Easter frocks and knowing that the picture I would be posting would be one from the cemetery.  Randall and I had already talked about what we wanted to do for Easter with Ezra - we were going to start a tradition of putting out an Easter basket the night before Easter (kind of like a stocking) for the Easter Bunny to come and fill for the next morning.  I could barely walk up the Easter aisle at Walmart thinking of how things should have been this year.  I still miss him so much.

I still have flashbacks in my mind of what we were doing this time last year and how we were planning for our sweet baby boy.  And besides the fact that today is Easter, I had the added thoughts today of 8 months ago when I was told that Ezra no longer had a heartbeat here on earth.  Tomorrow will be 8 months since I saw him for the first and last time.  I have trouble putting into words how this still makes me feel like I'm drowning.  When I think back to those days, I feel like I'm stuck below the water and I'm fighting to get back to shore.  I just wish I could go back to the weeks before, knowing what was to come, and make them deliver him early.  Because then everything would be okay.  He might have been a little premature, but he would be with me now.  I know that thoughts like those are probably not healthy, but I guess that's part of the grieving process....the "what might have beens" and the "I wish I could go back and make everything okay".


I miss you, sweet Ezra.  I hope that you enjoyed seeing the Easter sunrise from your side.  I love you, sweet boy.

**Note - I actually wrote this on Sunday and thought it posted, but it apparently did not....

They lied....

Whoever said that it gets easier with time...lied.  I still have so many times during my day where I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  Like I'm not sure how I can take a deep breath and I just have to think "really?"  Did they just say that?  Did I just see that?  Did I just hear that?  Case in point - tribute to James Earl Jones tonight on the Academy Awards....what was one clip in the montage....the Lion King, of course.  I go through Target around Valentine's Day....really?  Simba stuffed animals right in the middle?  What movie did my students watch in music on Friday?  The Lion King.  And not just those things...the little boys at Wal-Mart, the conversations with....well pretty much everyone at one point or another, the pictures - endless picture - on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Now, I could look at this two ways - 1) Ezra is trying to send me messages, sweet reminders, and make a connection.  2) The world is conspiring against me to rip the scab off my heart in any way that it can.  Even though my desire is to think it's #1, most days I lean towards #2. 

Maybe it's just that I'm at that point of the grieving process.  Maybe I'm becoming cynical.  Maybe I'm just finding that it's not becoming easier like everyone told me that it would.  I honestly thought that after Christmas I would find each day becoming less sad and hard to face.  But why?  Why would that be the magic day for all things to change?  He's still not here with me.  I still am not seeing him grow up.  I still am not holding him tonight.  So why would things be easier? 

Valentine's Day was extremely difficult.  As I was walking down the hallway to my classroom that morning I thought, I don't remember the Valentine's Day party in my room last year.  Then it hit me: I wasn't there for the party last year.  Randall and I both took a sick day to go to Dr. Earl's office and hear our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time.  What a wonderful Valentine's Day present.  I wish that I could just go back in time to that day and soak everything in even more than I did - knowing that it would be the last Valentine's Day that I would hear that sweet sound coming from his little heart. 

I miss you so much, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you soooooo much.  Always and forever.

Six Months

Six months ago I said hello and then goodbye to my sweet little Ezra.  Yesterday I relived the doctor's appointment where we found out that Ezra was already living a perfect life in heaven.  Even six months later, it's hard for me to believe that it is true.  That I'll never hold him again here on earth.  I thought that the 36 hours that I had to endure in between finding out the horrific news and actually seeing him was the most horrible thing that I would go through.  Then a month later I thought that it surely couldn't feel worse than that.  But now, six months later, Ezra still fills my every thought and hundreds of times a day I feel the wash of agony all over again. 

One of the hardest things for both Randall and me is that people around us seem to feel that we are doing very well...well enough for them to talk about babies in front of us.  I know that the world did not and should not stop with our heartbreak, but for us it still feels like a knife through the heart when we see babies, hear about babies, or think about them.  It's not really a jealousy, but more of a longing of what we wish that we had.  I still miss my little Ezra more than words can express.  Today when I was going through the calendar routine with my students, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I had to put the number 9 piece up.  I'm pretty confident that I can say that every time the 9th comes around each month for the rest of my life I will think of Ezra and quickly calculate in my mind how old he would have been on that day.

I've still been trying to keep my hands and mind occupied as much as possible.  Left to idleness, my mind wanders and I fall deeper into the gloom that can overcome me.  I've taken up a new hobby - making hairbows.  Randall and I have several craft fairs lined up that we are going to set them up at to sell.  All the money I make is going toward a double oven for my kitchen.  Something else to keep me busy and my mind occupied. 

I miss you my little Ezra.  I think about you all the time.  Thank you for sending me the sweet blue bird as we visited the cemetery tonight.  I love you so much, my sweet boy.

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Back in school for a day...then a snow day...then back today.  I don't know whether it is getting past Christmas and not having an immediate "focus" or what, but I've been feeling very melancholy for the past few days.  Perhaps it's just remembering what I was doing at this point last year.  I don't really know what the trigger is, but I'm missing my Ezra something awful.

I'm so thankful for my sweet Randall.  He is such a wonderful husband and I'm so blessed to have had his support and understanding through this.  Knowing that he truly understands my feelings makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I heard this song on the radio on the way home from choir practice tonight and it really touched me.  The chorus made me think of Randall and I just hope that I can be the same for him.

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"
by Martina McBride
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  I love you soooooo much.  Did you see the shirt Daddy got me for Christmas - it says "Expecto Patronum".  Keep sending me those patronus charms, my little Ezra.  :)

Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas, Ezra.  Mommy loves you and misses you so much! 

I forgot to tell you last night, thank you for the deer you placed in our back yard the other night.  It was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We watched it for what seemed like forever and I smiled from ear to ear the whole time.  You sure are good at making Mommy smile.

I love you, my sweet boy, my sweet little Ezra.

Not a Creature was Stirring...

Christmas Eve...

A year ago I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  We didn't trust the results, so we took another test on Christmas Day.  "Pregnant."  I knew that my world was about to change for, not only the better, but for the amazing.  The rest of our Christmas break was spent looking at bedding sets, making doctors appointments, and planning how to tell our family and friends.  I remember sitting in front of our tree last year on Christmas Eve after we came back from the service at church and talking with Randall about what we would be doing next year at this time.  Oh, how I wish our dreams had become a reality.

We finally got our tree up this week.  We decorated it with the ornaments from the kitchen tree, so it's covered in s'mores, gingerbread men, candy bars, and other kitchen-y things.  Our goal this year has been to get away from our traditions and change them up, so this was the best way for us to put up a tree without seeing the traditional living room ornaments (the ones from Hallmark).  It was hard to hang up the stockings without the addition of one that we thought would be there, but we did hang them.  I've been baking a ton of things to give to people at church and take to our family celebrations.  I've spent the nights and afternoons wrapping and watching movies.  Funny Christmas movies.  We've been keeping it off of the Hallmark channel this year.  Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, The Grinch (although that one can go either way)....those make me smile instead of making me sad.

We had our Christmas Eve service at church tonight.  Darren mentioned that he had a cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to sing with him.  He was glad to have someone to help and I was glad to have a purpose.  Sitting there by myself (since Randall was playing) was not something I was looking forward to.  Plus I knew that if I was up in front of people I would have to hold myself together.  I was proud of myself and how well I did, though.  It was a beautiful service.  I guess I got most of my tears out at the cemetery when we went this afternoon.  We have a tree to take over there in there morning, so we are going to drop that off before we go to the Christmas Day service.  We bought a little blue one and I'm going to hot glue bright colored ornaments on it before we take it over in the morning.

I miss you, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas celebration in heaven tomorrow.  I love you, my angel.

Busy Days

Candy cane vases...love Ezra and Mommy.

If being busy is a good thing....then the past few weeks I have been blessed.  We haven't been able to put up our Christmas tree at home yet (trying for the 6th time tomorrow), but my classroom at school looked like the North Pole exploded!  I have left school each afternoon and come home just to work on things for the next day until I went to bed that night....then repeated the next day.  Normal schoolwork, then a Christmas project pretty much each day for the past 3 weeks.  My students have enjoyed it and my heart has needed it.  The next two weeks of time off loom in front of me and I keep adding things to my check-list because I don't want to have any downtime.  Because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  And wandering thoughts lead to tears.  I still think about Ezra constantly, but when I do, instead of dissolving into tears, I go to my checklist and work on another project.  I'm sure that Randall is about sick of wreaths and candy cane vases and bead necklaces and glue sticks and ribbon....but I don't want to think about having a minute when I don't have an alternative.  I'm not hiding from my grief and sadness, but I'm finding a positive, productive outlet for it.  If you get a craft from me this year, know it's really from me and Ezra because missing him is driving me to do it.

Wednesday night was the roughest night I've had in a while.  We purposely avoided the children's program at church and came only for Praise Team and choir practice afterward.  Unfortunately, everyone had not cleared out yet and there was a man there holding a little boy in a red and white stripped outfit with a reindeer on his booty.  I just couldn't hold back the tears, but luckily, after realizing what was going on, Darren told Randall to start playing and we started singing and I got straightened up...because singing into a microphone while sniffling is not a pretty sound.  After Praise Team we went to choir practice and I asked Darren what we were going to be working on and he assured me, "Nothing about Christmas."  But then they prayed the sweetest prayer at the end and I was again crying when I left.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I can't seem to stop crying.  From what I've read, that's a typical response to grief - it strikes when you're expecting it and when you're not expecting it.  I think that Randall and I have different triggers, too, since we don't have 'typical' memories that would be triggers...so every baby, every baby commercial, every Lion King toy, every song about a baby....it's a trigger for us.  It's not a smell or a sound, but just everything that has to do with a baby.

My sweet co-workers on Grinch Day

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people that God has blessed me with and placed in my life to encourage me, support me, and love me during this unspeakably sad season of my life.  The ladies that I teach with have kept me focused and distracted, yet they have been so supportive with their words and with the way that they listen when I need to talk.  They truly understand how important it is for me that Ezra is not simply ignored and forgotten.  The same goes for the wonderful friends that I have at church, and of course my family.  I honestly don't know how people would get through a situation like this without God and without an earthly support system.  So many times I've prayed "God, I can't do this.  I need You to give me strength."  More times than I can count the answer to that prayer has been a person (whether a coworker, student, friend, or family member) who has saved me by their presence, a word, or a hug.  I truly am blessed by you all.

I so wish the next week leading up to Christmas would have been so different.  I wish that I was doing my baking with a baby watching me in the kitchen.  I wish that I was stopping from wrapping presents to change a diaper.  I wish that I was watching Christmas movies while giving the last bottle before bedtime.  I had a much different picture in my mind of how this Christmas would be and I'm sure that during the next week a home movie of could-have-beens will be playing in my mind. I miss him so much. 

I love you, my little Ezra.  You were my greatest Christmas present last year.  You are a sweet Christmas present to heaven this year.  I love you, my sweet little angel.