It's been 2 months...hard to believe that it's been that long since my little Ezra was born already sleeping in the arms of Jesus. But then at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago. I still miss him like it happened yesterday. I still think about him all the time. I still wonder what his cries and coos would sound like, what he would think about a bath, if he would like to brush his hand across Cassidy's back. So many questions...so few answers.
Since I don't have the answers I wish I did, I find myself making things up in my mind. This morning I walked by a window and felt the sun streaming in and I thought about Ezra. And I thought of the country song about the little girl who asked his dad if she could help pour out the rain when she got to heaven. My mind started to wander and I started daydreaming about all the little babies and children in heaven seated at the feet of Jesus. He tells them to think about what they want to do that day to make their mommy or daddy down on earth smile. He then says, "Raise your hand [yes, I am a first grade teacher and in heaven, I'm sure that the kids don't shout out answers, they raise their hands politely] if you think your Mommy or Daddy would like to see sunshine." A whole bunch of little hands raise up into the air. Jesus says, "that's the majority for today, so we're going to blow all the clouds away, except for the pretty white fluffy one." The next day, there are more hands for a rainbow, so they get out their paint sets and make a beautiful one. The next day, they get out their buckets and pour out the rain showers. And then there's that day when it's beautiful and sunny all around, and just a few raindrops fall on my head....that's the water gun and Ezra is smiling and laughing at me wondering if it was raindrops or if I got under a bird at the wrong time.
Now I know there is nothing in the Bible to support my daydreams, but they have brought me some comfort today. And you know what, the meteorologist is NOT always correct. Maybe those days when he/she predicts sun and it rains are the days when the babies vote for the rain. Maybe when he/she says there's a 90% chance of rain and instead the sun shines bright, those babies knew their mommies or daddies needed some sunshine. Even if there is nothing to back my thoughts, it brings me comfort and lets me feel my Ezra near me.
Sunshine, raindrops, spiders, rabbits, cool breezes, the tree that changed from green to red before all the others in the cemetery...I see and feel Ezra in all of those things. And who is to say that Jesus isn't letting him have a hand in making those things special to me?
When we visited the cemetery tonight we noticed that the stone of the baby girl buried beside Ezra had been cleaned off and the date was clearly visible: October 9, 2010. She has been in heaven for a year today. My hope and prayer today is that her parents saw the red tree and felt the cool breeze like we did today and thought of their little one. Who knows...maybe she and Ezra were blowing that cool breeze together as we visited today.
Enough for today...
I love you, sweet Ezra. Mommy misses you and loves you so much.
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