Playing Catch Up

I haven't been posting as much as I was previously.  I've sat down at my computer multiple times over the past few weeks, but the words just wouldn't come.  Maybe it's because I've been able to have longer conversations about Ezra with people in person.  Maybe it's because I've been throwing myself into a million crafts to keep my mind occupied.  Maybe it's because sitting down and typing out my feelings makes me emotional.  Whatever the reasons, I wanted to get caught up.

I went back to church two Sundays ago.  It was hard, but everyone was so wonderful.  Lots of hugs and people saying they were glad to see me.  Few people asking how I was doing.  SO thankful for that.  Because even though I can make it through a school day or a church service without crying, the scab on my heart can still break open at the drop of a hat.  Like yesterday at Walmart when the portrait studio lady asked if we had a child we could bring in for a free picture.  Or when the Bronner's ornament catalog comes in the mail.  Or when I hear a song on the radio.  Or when "Casper" is coming on TV.

I've also been singing in the praise team and chancel choir.  But I'm not going to sing in the Christmas cantata.  I tried it the first Wednesday I went back, but I just had to stop singing because of the huge lump that formed in my throat.  It's the first year in as far back as I can remember that I haven't sang in a cantata, but I'm just not strong enough yet.

I'm doing a lot of activities in my classroom that I've never done before...mainly because I don't want to have a minute of downtime at school because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  I've created so many new things that my folders are busting at the seams.  Then at home....every room of our house is filled with spools of ribbon and yarn for wreaths, ornament parts, and every other craft product I can find.  My hands NEED to be doing something when I'm at home.  The wreaths I'm making have occupied my mind for hours in the past few weeks.  Oh, yeah, and I've actually had all my papers graded by Friday night this year.  I'm definitely not giving my mind time to take a stroll...good or bad...but necessary for me right now.

Ezra's marker came in this week as well.  It was bittersweet to see it.  It's beautiful.  But seeing his name there made both me and Randall cry.  I had so many plans for where I would see that name.  Birth announcements.  Baby dedication.  Kindergarten registration.  Birthday invitations.  High School Diploma.  I had NO plans to see it on a granite marker in the cemetery.

I really don't know what else to say except....

I. Miss. Ezra.  Mommy loves you, baby.