Catch Up

I haven't been very faithful to writing on this blog here lately.  Our life has been extremely busy with school, hairbow making, craft shows, church, and life in general.  As I put the dots on the "Number of the Day" chart at school today, I could hardly believe that we have been in school for 62 days already!  This school year is definitely going by quickly, which makes me a little sad because I have been blessed with a great group of students this year!  They are so excited to learn and so well-behaved.  They are such a blessing to me everyday.

Pumpkin for Ezra

Halloween has already come and gone for another year.  We didn't do anything exciting, but we did hand out candy this year at our house.  Last year, we went out to eat because we couldn't face seeing the kids dressed up, but this year we wanted to return to some sort of normalcy.  We had a ton of trick-or-treaters and almost ran out of candy.  It was a fun night.  We decided not to carve a pumpkin this year because we had so much going on, but I did paint two, one for Ezra and one for Cassidy.  We were going to take it to the cemetery to put beside his flowers, but we decided to leave it at our house instead.  That way, it was like we were celebrating him at home for Halloween.  I still dream about what his Halloween costumes would look like each year.  There are a ton of family outfits on pinterest and I visualized our faces on their bodies multiple times while I was browsing.

The best part of the week of Halloween was that we got our first snow day.  That's right, in October.  People may call it the effects of Hurricane Sandy or a nor'easter storm, but I call it Ezra's Halloween present to Mommy and Daddy.  He knows how much we love Halloween and snow, so he wanted to combine the two of them together for us.  :)  At least, that's what I thought.

First Ornament

Randall and I have decided to go ahead and put up our normal amount of Christmas decorations, which means getting started early.  Last year, we only put up the one big tree in our living room, but this year we plan to do all of them.  I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do until Friday night.  We put up our first tree, the Disney tree that night.  We putt the tree up first and then brought up the ornaments.  Many of the ornaments for that tree do not have boxes, so we just wrap them up in heavy paper towels and put them into plastic containers.  I unwrapped the first ornament and had to smile.  Simba was looking up at me.  I feel that it was no coincidence that the Lion King ornament was the first one that I unwrapped.  It was almost as if Ezra was saying, "Mom, go ahead and decorate.  I can't wait to see  it." 

I still miss my sweet Ezra like crazy and each day brings a new set of sadness and challenges, but I am making it through one day at a time.  I know that God has placed so many people in my life to help me through my grief stages and I am so grateful for them.  It seems that no matter how I feel, there is someone there with a hug or just a listening ear.  I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and confidants.  And what also helps me get through each day is knowing that my baby is watching me, cheering me on, and seeing how I handle various situations.  I've always heard that you have to be careful what you do and say in front of children because they pay attention to everything.  But the people who said this truly dont' understand, because I'M the one with the son who truly can see and hear what I'm doing and saying all the time.  So I try to live my life so that he will be proud of me and so that he can say, "Look, Jesus, that's my mom.  She makes me proud."

I miss you sweet Ezra, and love you like crazy.  I can't wait to finish the Christmas decorations so that you can see all of them.  Mommy loves you, Ezra.

Happy Birthday, Ezra!

Balloons sent to Ezra's party from Cassidy UMC

I had all intentions of writing a post on Ezra's birthday.  We didn't have plans, I didn't have anything that I had to do for school, and we ordered pizza.  You would think that it would have been no problem for me to write.  Until the pictures started pouring in on facebook, my email, and Randall's email.  I was mesmerized and I couldn't help but click on the little envelope on facebook each time it had a number on top of it.  Click, download, save to folder.  Over 150 times.  Over 150 pictures as a memorial to my sweet Ezra.

Okay, let me back up here and explain WHY we were getting these pictures.  You see, about a month ago I was in the shower (where I do my best thinking) and I had the idea that we would send out a few letters to people with a balloon inside asking them to send it up to Ezra's birthday party in heaven.  I said in the letter that it was hard to imagine what we could do to make heaven more beautiful, but that I was sure God wouldn't mind if we sent up some balloons for the party.  We asked people to please take a picture of themselves or of their balloons when they let them go and send them to us because I wanted to put them as the last page in Ezra's baby book.  Now, to be honest, we expected to get maybe 20 pictures, if that.  We were overwhelmed by the outpouring of pictures (and LOVE) from our wonderful family, church family, friends, and co-workers.  It was truly amazing.  What I had planned to make into a PAGE is now going to be a whole book in itself.  Once school gets back into full swing and I have a few minutes to breathe, I'm going to upload them all to shutterfly and get started on Ezra's birthday book.

Beautiful balloon from Skip and Mandy Barker

Not only were we amazed by the sheer number of balloons that were sent to our sweet Ezra, but the messages on the balloons were incredible as well.  It was truly evident that the people who sent them truly love us and our son.  I know that Ezra was looking down with a big smile on his face as he saw people in Virginia, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, Missouri, and who knows where else sending him presents.  My favorite comment was from my cousin in Kansas City who is about to start kindergarten.  His mom explained why they were sending up the balloons and he said, "Okay, but next year I want to send Legos."  :)

A year later and I still miss Ezra so much.  It's hard to even put into words how much I still grieve for him and long to hold him.  Several people told us how we've shown so much faith through this year, but most of the time I just feel like I'm still struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  I just struggle with a smile on my face, because when Ezra looks down from heaven I want him to see his Mommy with a smile and not a tear as much as possible.  I want him to see me how he would have been seeing me if he were here on earth.  I want him to tell Jesus, "Look - there's my mama.  She makes me laugh!" 

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Miss you like crazy!  XOXO

Lessons

Our sermon this morning was about having joy in the midst of trials.  The scripture was James 1:2-4, which says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  God knew how much I needed this scripture and this sermon this morning.  One of the biggest trials of my life came a year ago this week.  A year.  It seems almost impossible to comprehend it's been that long.  The way that my memory flashes back to those days, you would think it was yesterday.  As I listened to the the sermon this morning, I began to think about the joy of with James was speaking.  I don't think that it means you have to be happy or joyful in the actual situation, but remain content in the fact that God will bring you through it and teach you along the way. And, boy, has He taught me some things in the past year.  Do you mind if I share some with you?


1. He taught me to never take things for granted. Someone told me recently that we shouldn't view a healthy birth as "normal;" each one should be viewed as a miracle because there are so many things that could go wrong.  I think that can be applied to every aspect of our lives - a drive down the street; routine bloodwork; and most recently, a trip to the movie theater.


2. He taught me to value the people around me.  I'm so eternally grateful for the people in my life.  Randall, my parents, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my church family, my students...the list could go on and on and on.  


3. He taught me that it is okay not to be perfect.  It's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to cry on (many) shoulders.  It's okay not to answer "fine" when asked "how are you?"  Sometimes you just have to say, "I'm having a really crappy day, but it's going to get better."


4. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it seems insignificant to others.


I could keep going with the lessons I have learned over the past 12 months, but you get the picture.  I thought that my world was over when my sweet Ezra was called home to heaven on August 9, 2011.  But the earth is still spinning, God is still in control, and Ezra is having a ball in his perfect body running around in the grassy hills of heaven.  I wish everyday that he was down here with me and that I was helping him learn to walk and talk, but one day we will get to hang out together and there won't be rainy days to keep us inside.

We sang the following song 4 times this morning - twice in the early service and twice in the 11o'clock service.  I know it sounds selfish, but I know it was for me.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I love you, my sweet baby, and I think about you all the time.  Mommy misses you like crazy.

Summer

Murder Mystery Dinner, Chattanooga, TN

I can't believe that it's already the end of June.  Randall and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last week in Chattanooga.  We went to the Murder Mystery Dinner Theater and had a lunch cruise on the river.  We had a wonderful time.  I'm still not sure how to feel about having a good time - should I feel guilty, should I feel thankful that God has allowed me to feel happy again, should I know that Ezra would want me to be the happy Mommy he remembers?  Probably.  But it's difficult. 

Chattanooga, TN

Oh, and by the way, guess what we saw on the banks of the river during our cruise?  What would be the chances that down in Chattanooga a family of deer would be munching on the vegetation right beside the speedboats and riverboats.  Hello there, Ezra.

I went to the mailbox yesterday and pulled out a catalog, which at first glance looked like the 50th Oriental Trading catalog that we've received this month.  Upon closer examination, though, I saw it was a party planning catalog.  Okay, we get one of those every now and then from Oriental as well.  But this one was different.  It was filled with all first birthday themes.  A whole catalog full.  And then it hit me - we should be planning Ezra's first birthday.

But I can't send cupcakes to heaven.

So this morning in the shower, I started thinking.  I can't plan the special first birthday for my little boy that I would like, but I do want to do something special for him.  So that he knows his Mommy is thinking about him and wants him to have a special day.  But here in the Egan house, we typically end up having birthday weeks.  So that's what Ezra is going to get, too.  So be looking for something in the mail the first part of August, because YOU are going to help make this a special day for him.  Be ready!

I love you, my sweet Ezra.  Mommy thinks about you all the time.  I miss you.

Ezra's Babysitter

Somewhere I read the following quote: "I know God will only give you what you can handle, but sometimes I think he trusts me too much."  I think that I could have penned this sentiment.  My grandmother, Winfreid, passed away on Thursday night.  She fell back at the beginning of the month and broke both of her legs right above her knee-replacements.  They could not do surgery because of the severity of the injury (and the fact that she was 92 years old) and she was in excruciating pain.  She was in the hospital for three weeks and they had to keep increasing the pain medication to the point that she was basically sedated because of the level of the pain she was in at the end.  It was so hard to see her in so much pain.  We spent the afternoon with her at the hospital on Thursday and left the hospital around 7.  We got a call around 9:30 saying that we needed to come back to the hospital.  We got another call about 10 minutes later saying that she was gone.  Mom, Dad, Randall, Pa and I went on to the hospital so that we could say our goodbyes, meeting Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Ken up there.

Our consolation is that she is with our sweet Ezra.  I can just imagine her up in heaven able to move around like she wanted to do here running through the fields and showing Ezra all the beautiful flowers.  On our way up to the funeral today, I saw a big, beautiful cumulus cloud.  I could just imagine the two of them sitting on the edge of the cloud with their legs hanging over swinging in the breeze and laughing together.  I could picture them waving down at our car going up the interstate and my grandma putting her hands to her mouth and shouting, "Don't worry about our baby - I'm here with him now."  Our baby.  Because she told me that she didn't send flowers to his funeral because instead she wanted to help with the stone and she gave me a note with money saying "for our baby."  My grandma was not an ooey-gooey sentimental person and this was such a strong statement from her.  I can't even begin to imagine the hugs and kisses she's given him since Thursday night.

King Graduation, 2005

Randall and I have been spending a lot of time this week with my parents and my grandpa.  They were married for 60 years.  I can't even begin to know how hard it was for him to say goodbye to her.  I'm cherish the special moments that we've gotten to spend together the past week, though.  Yesterday I was sitting with him and he took my hand, kissed it, and said "love you a bushel."  I know that makes my grandma smile when she looks down as well and she tells Ezra, "that's the sweet man I married."

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Give you great-grandma a big hug for me.  Love you both.  Miss you both.

9 months + Mother's Day = Overload

It's been 9 months today.  9 months of grieving.  9 months of tears.  9 months of small steps towards my new normal.  I still haven't opened the door to his nursery.  I still haven't boxed up one thing.  I still can't go an hour without thinking about Ezra and how much I wish he was here with me.  I feel like I could take my first post, my post 3 months ago and a month ago and they would almost say the same thing.  I miss him.  I love him.  I grieve everyday wishing things were different. 

I joined a Facebook group called "Grieving Mothers" and they post several poems, quotes, and pictures a day.  Though many of them make me cry, I feel like these people who post these things are reading my thoughts.  They know exactly what I need to hear.  This poem was posted yesterday about Mother's Day.  Made me cry, but also made me smile. 

"Dandelions From Heaven"
Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...
Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

When I walked out the door this morning I was sad because I knew what the date was.  When I got in my car I noticed that one of our Asiatic lilies was blooming.  Just one little bloom.  You can say that I'm grasping at straws, but I truly believe it was a message from my little Ezra.  His way of saying "I love you, Mommy."

I love you, my little Ezra.  Mommy thinks about you all the time.  I miss you. 

Easter

It's been awhile since I posted last....we've definitely been keeping busy.  We are out of school for spring break right now and tonight has been the first night where I could actually take time to post.  Our choir at Cassidy did a big music service for the Good Friday service at church and then we did some special music this morning, so it's been a busy time.  I feel like I'm running on empty.  I'm so glad that we have tomorrow and Tuesday out for our spring break and the short week for the remaining days will be a welcome breather as well.

We went to the cemetery today to take pictures of Ezra's Easter flowers that we put out for him.  They looked beautiful, even if I do say so myself.  It made my heart ache today to see all the pictures posted on facebook of all the families all dressed up in their Easter frocks and knowing that the picture I would be posting would be one from the cemetery.  Randall and I had already talked about what we wanted to do for Easter with Ezra - we were going to start a tradition of putting out an Easter basket the night before Easter (kind of like a stocking) for the Easter Bunny to come and fill for the next morning.  I could barely walk up the Easter aisle at Walmart thinking of how things should have been this year.  I still miss him so much.

I still have flashbacks in my mind of what we were doing this time last year and how we were planning for our sweet baby boy.  And besides the fact that today is Easter, I had the added thoughts today of 8 months ago when I was told that Ezra no longer had a heartbeat here on earth.  Tomorrow will be 8 months since I saw him for the first and last time.  I have trouble putting into words how this still makes me feel like I'm drowning.  When I think back to those days, I feel like I'm stuck below the water and I'm fighting to get back to shore.  I just wish I could go back to the weeks before, knowing what was to come, and make them deliver him early.  Because then everything would be okay.  He might have been a little premature, but he would be with me now.  I know that thoughts like those are probably not healthy, but I guess that's part of the grieving process....the "what might have beens" and the "I wish I could go back and make everything okay".


I miss you, sweet Ezra.  I hope that you enjoyed seeing the Easter sunrise from your side.  I love you, sweet boy.

**Note - I actually wrote this on Sunday and thought it posted, but it apparently did not....

They lied....

Whoever said that it gets easier with time...lied.  I still have so many times during my day where I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest.  Like I'm not sure how I can take a deep breath and I just have to think "really?"  Did they just say that?  Did I just see that?  Did I just hear that?  Case in point - tribute to James Earl Jones tonight on the Academy Awards....what was one clip in the montage....the Lion King, of course.  I go through Target around Valentine's Day....really?  Simba stuffed animals right in the middle?  What movie did my students watch in music on Friday?  The Lion King.  And not just those things...the little boys at Wal-Mart, the conversations with....well pretty much everyone at one point or another, the pictures - endless picture - on Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Now, I could look at this two ways - 1) Ezra is trying to send me messages, sweet reminders, and make a connection.  2) The world is conspiring against me to rip the scab off my heart in any way that it can.  Even though my desire is to think it's #1, most days I lean towards #2. 

Maybe it's just that I'm at that point of the grieving process.  Maybe I'm becoming cynical.  Maybe I'm just finding that it's not becoming easier like everyone told me that it would.  I honestly thought that after Christmas I would find each day becoming less sad and hard to face.  But why?  Why would that be the magic day for all things to change?  He's still not here with me.  I still am not seeing him grow up.  I still am not holding him tonight.  So why would things be easier? 

Valentine's Day was extremely difficult.  As I was walking down the hallway to my classroom that morning I thought, I don't remember the Valentine's Day party in my room last year.  Then it hit me: I wasn't there for the party last year.  Randall and I both took a sick day to go to Dr. Earl's office and hear our sweet baby's heartbeat for the first time.  What a wonderful Valentine's Day present.  I wish that I could just go back in time to that day and soak everything in even more than I did - knowing that it would be the last Valentine's Day that I would hear that sweet sound coming from his little heart. 

I miss you so much, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you soooooo much.  Always and forever.

Six Months

Six months ago I said hello and then goodbye to my sweet little Ezra.  Yesterday I relived the doctor's appointment where we found out that Ezra was already living a perfect life in heaven.  Even six months later, it's hard for me to believe that it is true.  That I'll never hold him again here on earth.  I thought that the 36 hours that I had to endure in between finding out the horrific news and actually seeing him was the most horrible thing that I would go through.  Then a month later I thought that it surely couldn't feel worse than that.  But now, six months later, Ezra still fills my every thought and hundreds of times a day I feel the wash of agony all over again. 

One of the hardest things for both Randall and me is that people around us seem to feel that we are doing very well...well enough for them to talk about babies in front of us.  I know that the world did not and should not stop with our heartbreak, but for us it still feels like a knife through the heart when we see babies, hear about babies, or think about them.  It's not really a jealousy, but more of a longing of what we wish that we had.  I still miss my little Ezra more than words can express.  Today when I was going through the calendar routine with my students, I felt like I had been slapped in the face when I had to put the number 9 piece up.  I'm pretty confident that I can say that every time the 9th comes around each month for the rest of my life I will think of Ezra and quickly calculate in my mind how old he would have been on that day.

I've still been trying to keep my hands and mind occupied as much as possible.  Left to idleness, my mind wanders and I fall deeper into the gloom that can overcome me.  I've taken up a new hobby - making hairbows.  Randall and I have several craft fairs lined up that we are going to set them up at to sell.  All the money I make is going toward a double oven for my kitchen.  Something else to keep me busy and my mind occupied. 

I miss you my little Ezra.  I think about you all the time.  Thank you for sending me the sweet blue bird as we visited the cemetery tonight.  I love you so much, my sweet boy.

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Back in school for a day...then a snow day...then back today.  I don't know whether it is getting past Christmas and not having an immediate "focus" or what, but I've been feeling very melancholy for the past few days.  Perhaps it's just remembering what I was doing at this point last year.  I don't really know what the trigger is, but I'm missing my Ezra something awful.

I'm so thankful for my sweet Randall.  He is such a wonderful husband and I'm so blessed to have had his support and understanding through this.  Knowing that he truly understands my feelings makes me feel like I'm not alone.  I heard this song on the radio on the way home from choir practice tonight and it really touched me.  The chorus made me think of Randall and I just hope that I can be the same for him.

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"
by Martina McBride
When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  I love you soooooo much.  Did you see the shirt Daddy got me for Christmas - it says "Expecto Patronum".  Keep sending me those patronus charms, my little Ezra.  :)

Early Christmas Present

Merry Christmas, Ezra.  Mommy loves you and misses you so much! 

I forgot to tell you last night, thank you for the deer you placed in our back yard the other night.  It was a wonderful early Christmas present.  We watched it for what seemed like forever and I smiled from ear to ear the whole time.  You sure are good at making Mommy smile.

I love you, my sweet boy, my sweet little Ezra.

Not a Creature was Stirring...

Christmas Eve...

A year ago I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  We didn't trust the results, so we took another test on Christmas Day.  "Pregnant."  I knew that my world was about to change for, not only the better, but for the amazing.  The rest of our Christmas break was spent looking at bedding sets, making doctors appointments, and planning how to tell our family and friends.  I remember sitting in front of our tree last year on Christmas Eve after we came back from the service at church and talking with Randall about what we would be doing next year at this time.  Oh, how I wish our dreams had become a reality.

We finally got our tree up this week.  We decorated it with the ornaments from the kitchen tree, so it's covered in s'mores, gingerbread men, candy bars, and other kitchen-y things.  Our goal this year has been to get away from our traditions and change them up, so this was the best way for us to put up a tree without seeing the traditional living room ornaments (the ones from Hallmark).  It was hard to hang up the stockings without the addition of one that we thought would be there, but we did hang them.  I've been baking a ton of things to give to people at church and take to our family celebrations.  I've spent the nights and afternoons wrapping and watching movies.  Funny Christmas movies.  We've been keeping it off of the Hallmark channel this year.  Elf, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, The Grinch (although that one can go either way)....those make me smile instead of making me sad.

We had our Christmas Eve service at church tonight.  Darren mentioned that he had a cold, so I asked him if he wanted me to sing with him.  He was glad to have someone to help and I was glad to have a purpose.  Sitting there by myself (since Randall was playing) was not something I was looking forward to.  Plus I knew that if I was up in front of people I would have to hold myself together.  I was proud of myself and how well I did, though.  It was a beautiful service.  I guess I got most of my tears out at the cemetery when we went this afternoon.  We have a tree to take over there in there morning, so we are going to drop that off before we go to the Christmas Day service.  We bought a little blue one and I'm going to hot glue bright colored ornaments on it before we take it over in the morning.

I miss you, my little Ezra.  Mommy loves you so much and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas celebration in heaven tomorrow.  I love you, my angel.

Busy Days

Candy cane vases...love Ezra and Mommy.

If being busy is a good thing....then the past few weeks I have been blessed.  We haven't been able to put up our Christmas tree at home yet (trying for the 6th time tomorrow), but my classroom at school looked like the North Pole exploded!  I have left school each afternoon and come home just to work on things for the next day until I went to bed that night....then repeated the next day.  Normal schoolwork, then a Christmas project pretty much each day for the past 3 weeks.  My students have enjoyed it and my heart has needed it.  The next two weeks of time off loom in front of me and I keep adding things to my check-list because I don't want to have any downtime.  Because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  And wandering thoughts lead to tears.  I still think about Ezra constantly, but when I do, instead of dissolving into tears, I go to my checklist and work on another project.  I'm sure that Randall is about sick of wreaths and candy cane vases and bead necklaces and glue sticks and ribbon....but I don't want to think about having a minute when I don't have an alternative.  I'm not hiding from my grief and sadness, but I'm finding a positive, productive outlet for it.  If you get a craft from me this year, know it's really from me and Ezra because missing him is driving me to do it.

Wednesday night was the roughest night I've had in a while.  We purposely avoided the children's program at church and came only for Praise Team and choir practice afterward.  Unfortunately, everyone had not cleared out yet and there was a man there holding a little boy in a red and white stripped outfit with a reindeer on his booty.  I just couldn't hold back the tears, but luckily, after realizing what was going on, Darren told Randall to start playing and we started singing and I got straightened up...because singing into a microphone while sniffling is not a pretty sound.  After Praise Team we went to choir practice and I asked Darren what we were going to be working on and he assured me, "Nothing about Christmas."  But then they prayed the sweetest prayer at the end and I was again crying when I left.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I can't seem to stop crying.  From what I've read, that's a typical response to grief - it strikes when you're expecting it and when you're not expecting it.  I think that Randall and I have different triggers, too, since we don't have 'typical' memories that would be triggers...so every baby, every baby commercial, every Lion King toy, every song about a baby....it's a trigger for us.  It's not a smell or a sound, but just everything that has to do with a baby.

My sweet co-workers on Grinch Day

I'm so thankful for the wonderful people that God has blessed me with and placed in my life to encourage me, support me, and love me during this unspeakably sad season of my life.  The ladies that I teach with have kept me focused and distracted, yet they have been so supportive with their words and with the way that they listen when I need to talk.  They truly understand how important it is for me that Ezra is not simply ignored and forgotten.  The same goes for the wonderful friends that I have at church, and of course my family.  I honestly don't know how people would get through a situation like this without God and without an earthly support system.  So many times I've prayed "God, I can't do this.  I need You to give me strength."  More times than I can count the answer to that prayer has been a person (whether a coworker, student, friend, or family member) who has saved me by their presence, a word, or a hug.  I truly am blessed by you all.

I so wish the next week leading up to Christmas would have been so different.  I wish that I was doing my baking with a baby watching me in the kitchen.  I wish that I was stopping from wrapping presents to change a diaper.  I wish that I was watching Christmas movies while giving the last bottle before bedtime.  I had a much different picture in my mind of how this Christmas would be and I'm sure that during the next week a home movie of could-have-beens will be playing in my mind. I miss him so much. 

I love you, my little Ezra.  You were my greatest Christmas present last year.  You are a sweet Christmas present to heaven this year.  I love you, my sweet little angel.

First Snow Picture

I just got a copy of the picture that Carla took of the class and me the day it snowed (Thursday a week ago) and I let the kids go out and run around in it for a few minutes.  I zoomed in on my face (since I didn't want to put their faces all over the web) and loved what the snow looked like.  :)  A big kiss from my sweet Ezra!  Love you, sweetie!

Our First Christmas Decorations

So, I've sat down at my computer at least 15 times over this Thanksgiving break to update my blog...but the words just wouldn't come without tears.  Thanksgiving was hard.  My first thought when I woke up that morning was about the bib that we bought for Ezra that said "Everyone's thankful for me" with a big colorful turkey on it.  I would have given anything to have been able to take him to Aunt Cheryl's for Thanksgiving dinner wearing that bib.  I know that the Black Friday ads would have still been in a pile on the counter if Ezra was there to be passed around.  I wonder what Thanksgiving is like in heaven.  Do they eat dinner and watch football?  I told Randall that I bet Grandma was feeding Ezra gravy just to spite us since we said we were going to keep people from feeding him table food!  :)  And I bet Papaw Bill was watching football with him and explaining all the rules.  Oh, how I miss that little boy.

We put out our first Christmas decorations today.  We had intentions of putting up our Christmas tree, but just didn't get there.  We've decided to just put up one tree in the living room and my plan is to get it up this coming up week.  I'm just not motivated.  I did, however, want to get Ezra's decorations out at the cemetery - and I wanted it to be the first decorating that we did.  We bought him some Christmasy flowers and picks and even a jingle bell "E" for the vase and then we got 2 solar powered Christmas trees to put on either side of it.  You can't see it very good in the picture, but there's a little blue bird in the top to symbolize Ezra.  It ended up looking very pretty.  We're going to sneak up there tomorrow night to see the trees in action.

It seems like the past few weeks have brought with them waves of emotions that I just can't predict and once I get thinking, it's hard to control them.  I think part of it is Christmas on the way and there are SO many commercials about toys and baby products.  And Randall and I watched the "Twilight" movies recently and I was so excited to see "Breaking Dawn" (since I haven't read the books yet) until I saw a preview and saw that Bella had a baby.  Really?  Is there anywhere I'm safe from things that would bring back a flood of emotion?  We are dedicated TLC fans and EVERY show that we watch has either a pregnant woman or a baby.  19 Kids and Counting...The Little Couple (the surrogate lost the baby)...Sister Wives.  And Randall and I have decided that Walmart gives an extra discount to mothers with babies if they will come and shop while we are there.  (Okay, not really, but it does seem like there's a baby around every corner.)  But even with all the shows and babies, I still find moments during my day when I feel like my smile and laugh are genuine and thinking of happy thoughts about Ezra and doing things for him (like decorations) can bring a smile instead of a tear.  I know that God is with me and that's the only way that I have come through this horrible season of my life with a smile in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him HORRIBLY, but I know that Ezra wouldn't want me to be sad and frowny all the time.  He would want me to smile...he wants me to smile.  The other night while we were at the cemetery, I was talking to him like I always do and when I said, "I love you, my Ezra" his solar hummingbird (this was before we changed it to the trees) came on bright red.  That definitely brought a smile to my face.  I love how he finds ways to "talk" to me and I'm convinced that God knows that's what I need to keep me going and keep me positive.

We sang a song at the early service Sunday morning and it was like the words were written just for me.  We practiced it several times the Wednesday before, but I didn't really listen to the words until Sunday morning.  It's called "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

I miss you, little Ezra.  I hope that you like your decorations and that you look down on them and smile.  I love you, sweet baby.

A note from Ezra's daddy...

Ezra, there’s not a day that goes by that daddy doesn’t think about you.  Mommy and I love you and miss you very much.  I keep seeing your little nose in my mind (my nose) and imagine how you would look as a 1, 2, 3… year old.  There is this boy in PreK at my school that has a very similar nose.  Every time I see him I think about how you would look at age 4.  

There is so much that I wanted to share with you, so much I wanted to teach you (and for you to teach me in the processJ).  There's a Lego commercial that’s been coming on, and every time I see it I think about sitting in the living room floor with you and building something together (this was daddy’s favorite toy as a boy).  

At the same time, I know you’re experiencing things I can’t even dream of right now.  I know that God has much bigger plans for you that I can’t even comprehend right now...    

 

I better go for now.  Mommy is working on a Chrismon ornament to be placed on the tree at church in your memory.

 

Love,

Daddy 

Snowflakes

So we finally received our first snowflakes of the year from Ezra.  As soon as I saw them falling, I told my students to get their coats and that we were going outside.  I let them run around in the snow for a few minutes enjoying my sweet gifts from my sweet little boy. 

Thank you, sweet Ezra, for a Thursday morning gift.  Mommy loves you.

Whispered Prayers

Souls in danger
Bodies broken
Trouble here and
Everywhere
Arms that can't reach where they want to
Somehow make it
Through whispered prayers

Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers

Dark in midnight o'er the valley
Doesn't seem that
life is fair
What we need is
Our God's presence
It is ours now through whispered prayers


Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers
-Karen Peck & New River

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  These have been the hardest three months of my life.  I wish I could have been hugging you and telling you "happy 3 month birthday" today.  Was that you sending my students my way with all those hugs today?  You continue to amaze me, little one.  I love you so much.

When You Hear the Bell Ring...

Rough day today.  It was "All Saints Day" at church where they remember those who have earned their angel wings during the past year.  Okay, so they don't word it that way, but I like that explanation better.  We found out about it on Wednesday and Randall and I have had a really difficult time over the past few days preparing ourselves for this service.  We've collectively shed more tears over the past 4 days than we had over the previous month.  That combined with Halloween last week resulted in a very melancholy week at the Egan house.

I'm thankful that instead of calling up each family individually they decided to call all of the families up at one time so that we could all stand together and not be singled out.  My parents, Granny Lou, and Randall's parents were all there with us and they came up front with us.  When they read Ezra's story, all the members of the choir stood as well.  All of Ezra's "other" aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Nancy Hickman made the comment to us before the service started that "you can't have pain and tears without love...and oh was that little boy loved."  It made me cry, but it made me smile, too, because it's so true that Ezra was so loved.

The story that Nancy read about Ezra said the following: "Hearts are heavy that we never got to hold Ezra, but we generously gave him love as he grew in his mother's womb and we watched the love in the eyes and smiles of his parents and grandparents.  We were all excited to learn that the baby was a "he" and the day we learned his name was Ezra was a "happening" in our lives.  His impact on Cassidy has been great and remains a powerful force.  It is because of our faith and hope that we know that someday we will run through the fields chasing butterflies with Ezra Gryffin Egan."  We got a beautiful bell that will be a forever outward reminder of our little boy.  Inward reminders will be constant as well.

Although the tears were streaming down my face, I had to smile because of the butterfly reference.  You see at Holston Valley, all the baby rooms are decorated with butterflies.  I stared at those butterflies for two days.  I never wanted to see another butterfly.  When the flowers were delivered from the funeral home, several of them had picks with butterflies on top.  Randall and I promptly threw them over into the mulch.  So when BVU came to cut down our trees, they apparently thought they had knocked them over, so they stuck them upright in the mulch.  Then it became the butterfly joke and we knew that was another "Ezra joke".  The fact that his story this morning mentioned a butterfly lets me know that Ezra was smiling down saying "gotcha" again.  That sweet boy definitely has a sense of humor!

But he has a sweet side, too.  So many times this week that I've felt his little hands and the arms of God around me.  Like when I was saying my prayers one morning and had just uttered, "Let Ezra know Mommy loves him" and Cassidy out of no where came up behind me, put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me (the best way a cat can anyway).  Or this morning when I prayed "Lord, I need You, this is too hard," and Susan Arnold came over almost immediately and took communion with me and sat with me until the service was over.  Or the quotes I've "found" on pinterest.com this week that have been such a comfort to me:

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us and lets us know they are happy." -Eskimo sayings

Mommy misses you, sweet Ezra.  Being away from you makes me cry and you are the only one who can take away my tears by showing me something silly or showing your sweetness.  You are one remarkable little boy.  I love you.

Halloween Decorations

I do most of my deep thinking in the shower every morning.  At school when I start a sentence with "I had a great idea" Carla always says, "you've been thinking in the shower again..."  So, my thought for the morning was: "Ezra needs to see some Halloween decorations."  We decided not to decorate the house as it was just too painful to get out as we had already planned all the different Halloween poses we were going to have in pictures this year.  I had to walk quickly past the aisles of baby costumes in stores.  And then there's his bib that said "First Halloween" that is still packed away in a drawer in his nursery.  Too much anticipation turned to misery.

Anyway, back to the original purpose for this post: Ezra's decorations.  Since the kids in my classroom were helping me carve a pumpkin at school today, I thought that it would be a sweet thing to take the finished product to the cemetery for Ezra.  We bought battery powered candles and put in the pumpkin and then Randall and I took it over there tonight.  I hope he and his friends enjoy watching it glow tonight.  I guess there's no need for costumes in heaven....because everyone gets to wear the angel wings.  :)

Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.