A note from Ezra's daddy...

Ezra, there’s not a day that goes by that daddy doesn’t think about you.  Mommy and I love you and miss you very much.  I keep seeing your little nose in my mind (my nose) and imagine how you would look as a 1, 2, 3… year old.  There is this boy in PreK at my school that has a very similar nose.  Every time I see him I think about how you would look at age 4.  

There is so much that I wanted to share with you, so much I wanted to teach you (and for you to teach me in the processJ).  There's a Lego commercial that’s been coming on, and every time I see it I think about sitting in the living room floor with you and building something together (this was daddy’s favorite toy as a boy).  

At the same time, I know you’re experiencing things I can’t even dream of right now.  I know that God has much bigger plans for you that I can’t even comprehend right now...    

 

I better go for now.  Mommy is working on a Chrismon ornament to be placed on the tree at church in your memory.

 

Love,

Daddy 

Snowflakes

So we finally received our first snowflakes of the year from Ezra.  As soon as I saw them falling, I told my students to get their coats and that we were going outside.  I let them run around in the snow for a few minutes enjoying my sweet gifts from my sweet little boy. 

Thank you, sweet Ezra, for a Thursday morning gift.  Mommy loves you.

Whispered Prayers

Souls in danger
Bodies broken
Trouble here and
Everywhere
Arms that can't reach where they want to
Somehow make it
Through whispered prayers

Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers

Dark in midnight o'er the valley
Doesn't seem that
life is fair
What we need is
Our God's presence
It is ours now through whispered prayers


Whispered prayers
Ride the wings of
Holy angels from here to there
God is listening
When we speak them
There is power in whispered prayers
-Karen Peck & New River

Mommy misses you, Ezra.  These have been the hardest three months of my life.  I wish I could have been hugging you and telling you "happy 3 month birthday" today.  Was that you sending my students my way with all those hugs today?  You continue to amaze me, little one.  I love you so much.

When You Hear the Bell Ring...

Rough day today.  It was "All Saints Day" at church where they remember those who have earned their angel wings during the past year.  Okay, so they don't word it that way, but I like that explanation better.  We found out about it on Wednesday and Randall and I have had a really difficult time over the past few days preparing ourselves for this service.  We've collectively shed more tears over the past 4 days than we had over the previous month.  That combined with Halloween last week resulted in a very melancholy week at the Egan house.

I'm thankful that instead of calling up each family individually they decided to call all of the families up at one time so that we could all stand together and not be singled out.  My parents, Granny Lou, and Randall's parents were all there with us and they came up front with us.  When they read Ezra's story, all the members of the choir stood as well.  All of Ezra's "other" aunts and uncles and grandparents.  Nancy Hickman made the comment to us before the service started that "you can't have pain and tears without love...and oh was that little boy loved."  It made me cry, but it made me smile, too, because it's so true that Ezra was so loved.

The story that Nancy read about Ezra said the following: "Hearts are heavy that we never got to hold Ezra, but we generously gave him love as he grew in his mother's womb and we watched the love in the eyes and smiles of his parents and grandparents.  We were all excited to learn that the baby was a "he" and the day we learned his name was Ezra was a "happening" in our lives.  His impact on Cassidy has been great and remains a powerful force.  It is because of our faith and hope that we know that someday we will run through the fields chasing butterflies with Ezra Gryffin Egan."  We got a beautiful bell that will be a forever outward reminder of our little boy.  Inward reminders will be constant as well.

Although the tears were streaming down my face, I had to smile because of the butterfly reference.  You see at Holston Valley, all the baby rooms are decorated with butterflies.  I stared at those butterflies for two days.  I never wanted to see another butterfly.  When the flowers were delivered from the funeral home, several of them had picks with butterflies on top.  Randall and I promptly threw them over into the mulch.  So when BVU came to cut down our trees, they apparently thought they had knocked them over, so they stuck them upright in the mulch.  Then it became the butterfly joke and we knew that was another "Ezra joke".  The fact that his story this morning mentioned a butterfly lets me know that Ezra was smiling down saying "gotcha" again.  That sweet boy definitely has a sense of humor!

But he has a sweet side, too.  So many times this week that I've felt his little hands and the arms of God around me.  Like when I was saying my prayers one morning and had just uttered, "Let Ezra know Mommy loves him" and Cassidy out of no where came up behind me, put his paws on my shoulders and hugged me (the best way a cat can anyway).  Or this morning when I prayed "Lord, I need You, this is too hard," and Susan Arnold came over almost immediately and took communion with me and sat with me until the service was over.  Or the quotes I've "found" on pinterest.com this week that have been such a comfort to me:

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."


"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us and lets us know they are happy." -Eskimo sayings

Mommy misses you, sweet Ezra.  Being away from you makes me cry and you are the only one who can take away my tears by showing me something silly or showing your sweetness.  You are one remarkable little boy.  I love you.

Halloween Decorations

I do most of my deep thinking in the shower every morning.  At school when I start a sentence with "I had a great idea" Carla always says, "you've been thinking in the shower again..."  So, my thought for the morning was: "Ezra needs to see some Halloween decorations."  We decided not to decorate the house as it was just too painful to get out as we had already planned all the different Halloween poses we were going to have in pictures this year.  I had to walk quickly past the aisles of baby costumes in stores.  And then there's his bib that said "First Halloween" that is still packed away in a drawer in his nursery.  Too much anticipation turned to misery.

Anyway, back to the original purpose for this post: Ezra's decorations.  Since the kids in my classroom were helping me carve a pumpkin at school today, I thought that it would be a sweet thing to take the finished product to the cemetery for Ezra.  We bought battery powered candles and put in the pumpkin and then Randall and I took it over there tonight.  I hope he and his friends enjoy watching it glow tonight.  I guess there's no need for costumes in heaven....because everyone gets to wear the angel wings.  :)

Mommy loves you, Ezra, my sweet little angel.

Playing Catch Up

I haven't been posting as much as I was previously.  I've sat down at my computer multiple times over the past few weeks, but the words just wouldn't come.  Maybe it's because I've been able to have longer conversations about Ezra with people in person.  Maybe it's because I've been throwing myself into a million crafts to keep my mind occupied.  Maybe it's because sitting down and typing out my feelings makes me emotional.  Whatever the reasons, I wanted to get caught up.

I went back to church two Sundays ago.  It was hard, but everyone was so wonderful.  Lots of hugs and people saying they were glad to see me.  Few people asking how I was doing.  SO thankful for that.  Because even though I can make it through a school day or a church service without crying, the scab on my heart can still break open at the drop of a hat.  Like yesterday at Walmart when the portrait studio lady asked if we had a child we could bring in for a free picture.  Or when the Bronner's ornament catalog comes in the mail.  Or when I hear a song on the radio.  Or when "Casper" is coming on TV.

I've also been singing in the praise team and chancel choir.  But I'm not going to sing in the Christmas cantata.  I tried it the first Wednesday I went back, but I just had to stop singing because of the huge lump that formed in my throat.  It's the first year in as far back as I can remember that I haven't sang in a cantata, but I'm just not strong enough yet.

I'm doing a lot of activities in my classroom that I've never done before...mainly because I don't want to have a minute of downtime at school because downtime leads to wandering thoughts.  I've created so many new things that my folders are busting at the seams.  Then at home....every room of our house is filled with spools of ribbon and yarn for wreaths, ornament parts, and every other craft product I can find.  My hands NEED to be doing something when I'm at home.  The wreaths I'm making have occupied my mind for hours in the past few weeks.  Oh, yeah, and I've actually had all my papers graded by Friday night this year.  I'm definitely not giving my mind time to take a stroll...good or bad...but necessary for me right now.

Ezra's marker came in this week as well.  It was bittersweet to see it.  It's beautiful.  But seeing his name there made both me and Randall cry.  I had so many plans for where I would see that name.  Birth announcements.  Baby dedication.  Kindergarten registration.  Birthday invitations.  High School Diploma.  I had NO plans to see it on a granite marker in the cemetery.

I really don't know what else to say except....

I. Miss. Ezra.  Mommy loves you, baby.

Help Pour Out the Rain

It's been 2 months...hard to believe that it's been that long since my little Ezra was born already sleeping in the arms of Jesus.  But then at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.  I still miss him like it happened yesterday.  I still think about him all the time.  I still wonder what his cries and coos would sound like, what he would think about a bath, if he would like to brush his hand across Cassidy's back.  So many questions...so few answers.

Since I don't have the answers I wish I did, I find myself making things up in my mind.  This morning I walked by a window and felt the sun streaming in and I thought about Ezra.  And I thought of the country song about the little girl who asked his dad if she could help pour out the rain when she got to heaven.  My mind started to wander and I started daydreaming about all the little babies and children in heaven seated at the feet of Jesus.  He tells them to think about what they want to do that day to make their mommy or daddy down on earth smile.  He then says, "Raise your hand [yes, I am a first grade teacher and in heaven, I'm sure that the kids don't shout out answers, they raise their hands politely] if you think your Mommy or Daddy would like to see sunshine."  A whole bunch of little hands raise up into the air.  Jesus says, "that's the majority for today, so we're going to blow all the clouds away, except for the pretty white fluffy one."  The next day, there are more hands for a rainbow, so they get out their paint sets and make a beautiful one.  The next day, they get out their buckets and pour out the rain showers.  And then there's that day when it's beautiful and sunny all around, and just a few raindrops fall on my head....that's the water gun and Ezra is smiling and laughing at me wondering if it was raindrops or if I got under a bird at the wrong time. 

Now I know there is nothing in the Bible to support my daydreams, but they have brought me some comfort today.  And you know what, the meteorologist is NOT always correct.  Maybe those days when he/she predicts sun and it rains are the days when the babies vote for the rain.  Maybe when he/she says there's a 90% chance of rain and instead the sun shines bright, those babies knew their mommies or daddies needed some sunshine.  Even if there is nothing to back my thoughts, it brings me comfort and lets me feel my Ezra near me.

Sunshine, raindrops, spiders, rabbits, cool breezes, the tree that changed from green to red before all the others in the cemetery...I see and feel Ezra in all of those things.  And who is to say that Jesus isn't letting him have a hand in making those things special to me?

When we visited the cemetery tonight we noticed that the stone of the baby girl buried beside Ezra had been cleaned off and the date was clearly visible: October 9, 2010.  She has been in heaven for a year today.  My hope and prayer today is that her parents saw the red tree and felt the cool breeze like we did today and thought of their little one.  Who knows...maybe she and Ezra were blowing that cool breeze together as we visited today.

Enough for today...

I love you, sweet Ezra.  Mommy misses you and loves you so much.