Choices

August 11, 2011

Mom and Dad came and picked us up this afternoon and we went with them and Billy and Betty to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Ezra.  Never when I imagined August 2011 did I think that making funeral arrangements for my baby would be a part of it.  The man who we met with was definitely not the most comforting person and kept saying things like “that’s gonna be an extra cost” or “those are expensive.”  I know his intentions were probably good, but he just didn’t seem to understand that this wasn’t just a baby to us, this was our SON.  Our son.  And we didn’t care what the cost was – we wanted the best for him.  This was one of the last acts of love we could do for him and we wanted it to be perfect for him.  When we were looking through casket catalogs I couldn’t help but remember back to March when we were looking through catalogs with cribs in them trying to find the perfect one for his nursery.  No parent should have to pick out a casket for their baby.  Crib, yes.  Casket, no.  It was all I could do to look through the material they showed us.  I was glad that Randall and both sets of our parents were there to help us make decisions because I don’t think I could have made them.

After we left the funeral home, we went to pick out flowers for the funeral.  We looked through books of flowers and finally decided on a beautiful spray for the top of his casket made from white daises, babies breath, and blue flowers.  My parents and Randall’s parents got white baskets with flowers that matched the sprays that we are going to put on either side of the casket.  I think they will be beautiful with the white casket.  Again, these last acts of love for Ezra I feel need to be perfect.

Our last stop of the day was the cemetery.  We decided to bury him at Mountain View Cemetery since it’s close to our house and we can visit him often.  He will be buried in Babyland, which is an area at the back of the cemetery just for infants.  It’s a beautiful area of the cemetery that is surrounded by trees and seems to be cool even on a hot day.  We went ahead and bought plots for Randall and I as well that will touch Ezra’s, so we will be next to him eventually.  We also ordered his gravestone.  It’s going to be beautiful and a sweet tribute to him.  It has a teddy bear on one side and a block on the other.  We have a little while to decide what we want to actually have written on it besides his name and birth/death date.  We want to find a sweet little quote to put with it.

Tired again, and grateful for a bed to take away my tears.

August 12, 2011-August 13, 2011

Before we went back to the funeral home today, Randall and I had the devastating task of writing Ezra’s obituary.  Another thing that a parent should not have to do for their baby.  We wrote and rewrote and finally came up with something that we thought was appropriately worded for our little angel.  I also had to finish crocheting the blanket that I was working on for him because I wanted him to be buried with it.  I started crocheting it back in March and I had put so much love in it for my little boy.  It was green with pink, purple, blue, and yellow picks through it because we didn’t know we were having a boy when I started on it.  I knew I wanted it to be with him.  It took me a long time to finish the line I was working on because I was crying to hard, but I finally finished it and folded it up to go the funeral home.  We also picked out the outfit that we wanted Ezra to be buried in, the monkey outfit that Granny bought him.  It was brown and white striped and it had a little monkey hat with it complete with ears.  We added a pair of white socks and we had our stack of supplies to take the funeral home.  I thought the days would get easier, but it seemed to be getting harder everyday with tasks like these to do.

We went to the funeral home and dropped off the things and then we came back home and began the waiting game.  We had a whole day and a half before the funeral.  Those hours are just a blur.  We picked out the readings that we wanted to be read at the funeral.  We watched some TV.  We cried.  We slept.  And we waited.