The Smell of Lilies

August 16, 2011

The funeral home brought over all the flowers yesterday.  They are now positioned all around my living room.  One particularly large arrangement sits in front of the fire place, right beside my spot on the couch.  It is full of lilies.  And it is strong.  Every time I get a whiff of the fragrance, it takes me back to the funeral home where we stood in front of our beautiful baby’s casket.  I don’t think l like lilies anymore.

We went this morning to order Ezra’s marker.  It’s going to be beautiful.  It’s granite with a teddy bear and a block etched out on it.  I wish it could be up there today, but it will take 6 to 8 weeks for the order to come in and have it placed.  Afterwards we went and visited with Ezra for a while at the cemetery.  It’s so peaceful up there.  Even though the sun was warm today, the area where he is laid is shady and peaceful.  We tell him every time we visit him how much we love him.  I don’t ever think I could say it enough.

I’m having a pretty melancholy day today.  I took a long nap after we came home from the cemetery while Randall watched TV.  Last night was rough.  I thought I would never get to sleep.  I just kept thinking about all the things that I had planned to do with Ezra.  Things that will never come to fruition.  I know it sounds selfish of me to say, but I just feel so cheated.  Everywhere I look, on the computer, on the television, in emails, riding down the street, I see babies with their parents.  And I wonder why I didn’t get to be one of mommies to Ezra.  I know that I am his Mommy and always will be, but I just feel like I got cheated out of so much with him.  I feel so lucky that I got to hold him for a while in the hospital, but it wasn’t long enough.  His little skin was so fragile so I was almost afraid to touch him or move him.  I didn’t get to kiss his little head or hold his little fingers.  

I dread the coming holidays.  Halloween has always been one of my favorites and I had already started looking for the perfect Halloween costume for Ezra.  I like the tree frog, but Randall was leaning towards a simple one since he would have been so little and he didn’t want him to be uncomfortable.  I had already bought him a bib for Thanksgiving that said “Everyone is Thankful for Me.”  No truer words have ever been written.  And then there’s Christmas.  Randall and I had been talking about Christmas with our little Ezra for months.  We wanted to get matching family pajamas and wear them up to Mom and Dad’s for Christmas morning.  We couldn’t wait for him to see the lights on the Christmas tree.  And now…there’s no stocking to hang with ours.  There’s no presents to put under the tree with Ezra’s name on them.  There’s no elf to sit on the shelf to start our first family tradition.  How do we make it through the coming months???