Hello, Goodbye

Happy 3 week birthday, my little Ezra.  I can't believe it's already been 3 weeks since we said hello and then goodbye to you.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, my sweet little prince.

An outsider looking in would think that Randall and I seem much improved since last week.  It's true that our tears have been less, but our hearts are still hurting beyond belief.  Tuesdays are definitely the worst days of the week because it marks another week since we lost our baby.  When I wake up on Tuesday morning, my feet barely hit the ground before tears stream down my face.  I miss my baby so much.  Today was a day when all I wanted to do was feel him in my arms again and hold him.  I just can't get the thought of it out of my head.  I've prayed for strength more today that almost any day since the funeral.  If it wasn't for the strength from God, I would have been sitting in a heap in the floor crying my eyes out all day today.  I still had my moments, but I at least made it through the day on my feet.

Randall worked yesterday and today planting the trees from HPES and RVES that were sent in memory of Ezra.  We planted the crape myrtle (picture on right) on the side of the house in the grassy part that was in desperate need of a tree.  It looks so pretty and I can't wait to see it when it blooms next summer.

The dogwood (picture on left) is phase one of the Ezra memory garden.  Right now it has the dogwood in the center, the memorial stepping stone, three mums above the surface and 24 bulbs below the surface that will be coming up in the spring.  12 tulips and 12 daffodils.  I think Ezra will enjoy looking down on it this spring and seeing all the beautiful colors.  Nothing to compare, I'm sure, to what he's seeing now, but at least he will know that his Mommy and Daddy planted them while thinking of him.  Or, to be more realistic, Daddy planted them while Mommy looked on from the porch to supervise.  Because Mommy doesn't like bugs or worms...or dirt for that matter.  But Mommy loves Ezra - so I'll do the picking out of the flowers at Lowe's and let Daddy plant them...

Phase 2 of the Ezra garden is going to have a second layer of edging outside the first circle and it will be filled with tiny pea rocks.  We are going to move the memorial stepping stone out to this layer and then we are going to put four pots with flowers in it that we will change for the seasons.  We're hoping to start on it in the next couple of weeks.  I can't wait to see the finished product.

I feel like I'm jumping around as I'm writing tonight, but I wanted to say thank you for all the comments and messages I've gotten about writing this blog.  It has made me cry and smile to read all of your stories and feel your support.  I felt this support when we announced back in February that we were expecting, when we revealed that we were having a boy (and there were a ton of people we found out later clicking refresh because they were excited), and now I feel it in his passing to heaven.  Even though I haven't really been able to see it these past three weeks, I am so blessed.  I didn't start writing this blog for pity and I'm thankful that most of you haven't seen it as that.  As a message that I got on facebook tonight said, "I feel like I know your heart better and know more how to pray for you."  And prayers are what is helping me to get through the most painful days of my life.

Tonight I post the "Hello, Goodbye" lyrics by Michael W. Smith that were read at Ezra's funeral.  I love you, Ezra Gryffin.

Hello, Goodbye

Where is the navigator of your destiny?
Where is the dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and it's brevity?
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand.
You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet.

Ezra, hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side.
Ezra, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side.

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the very hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me.
When you get there, save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile.

Ezra, hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side.
Ezra, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side.