Just breathe....

So today my sweet baby would have been two weeks old.  Tonight we should have been giving him a final bottle before bedtime and holding/rocking him until his sweet little eyelids closed for the night...or at least for a few hours.  We should have been tiptoeing around the bassinet and climbing into bed ourselves to get a few hours of sleep until we were awoken again with hungry cries.  We should have been staring at him all day long or holding him and listening for sweet baby coos. 

Instead, we were having our nightly visit at the cemetery.  And asking "why."  I guess that's still the stage Randall and I are both in - the "whys".  Why can't we have our son here with us?  Why are there so many babies everywhere we go?  Why can everyone else have their babies with them when ours is in a cemetery?  Why?

We went and sat with Mom at the hospital this morning while Dad had a stress test completed.  Afterward, they asked us to go to IHOP with them.  I agreed and then half way across the hospital parking lot towards our car I panicked.  We hadn't been out to eat since we went to Bonanza on Sunday before our world came crashing down.  Someone has either brought us food each night or we've gone through the drive-thru.  I couldn't imagine walking into a restaurant without Ezra in his seat on my arm.  But even though I cried all the way there, I managed to get through the door and through the meal.  It was as hard as I thought it would be.  There was a little boy behind us with his parents and every time I heard his voice I wondered what Ezra's voice would have sounded like.  When I saw him walk with his mommy to the bathroom, I wondered if Ezra would have had shoes like his.  I wondered what color eyes Ezra's would have been.  Would he have had brown hair or blond hair?  Would he have had curls?  And again I began to ask "why".  Why did I have to sit there and ask these questions instead of holding my baby in my arms?

When we left the cemetery tonight, there was a song playing on the radio that I thought was very fitting for the moment.  It's a sentiment I have to remind myself of several times during the day.  Here's the chorus from "Breathe" by Anna Nalick:

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

Just breathe.  Just take it one day at a time.  Just breathe.....