Going Home

August 10, 2011

I came home from the hospital today.  Yes, it was as hard as I thought it would be.  Dr. Mitchell came by to give me the okay around lunchtime, but I was in no hurry to actually leave the hospital.  That was because I knew what was awaiting me at home.  A house full of Ezra.  And a long ride from Kingsport to Bristol without Ezra with me.  Neither of which I wanted to face, but had no choice.  My sweet nurse, Pam, took me down to the car in the wheelchair and hugged me as she said goodbye.  As soon as I got in the car, the tears started flowing because Randall and I were in the backseat and there wasn’t a car seat in between us with my precious angel inside.  No, I had to leave him at Holston Valley.  I never again would hold his precious body on this earth.  I cried all the way back to Bristol.

When we got home, I picked up Cassidy (my cat) and held him tight and cried into his soft fur.  Oh, how I wanted to hold my Ezra.  While I stayed in the basement for a few minutes with him, Randall and Daddy went upstairs and put all of Ezra’s things in his nursery and closed the door.  The living room was filled with presents for him, things we had ordered, frames, and the letters that we had painted to put over his crib.  His bassinet was in our bedroom waiting for him to come and sleep the night away.  His bottles and all the things that went with them were on our kitchen counter waiting to be filled with formula.  When I came upstairs, all of these things were tucked safely away in his nursery.  I’m not sure how long they will stay there, but I know it will be for a while.  I can’t even imagine seeing them right now.

Tonight is going to be a hard night.  Luckily I am worn out, so hopefully I can sleep through most of it and prepare for tomorrow when we go to the funeral home.