What Makes a Mother?

It's been a hard couple of days.  Yesterday Randall and I went to Walmart for the first time since the day before the doctor's appointment.  Our plan was to go during the day while our students and coworkers would be at school so that we would be able to get in, get our groceries, and get out.  Well, we forgot that it was race weekend and that the TN schools were out for the day so Walmart was bombarded with kids.  Not kids that we knew, but kids nonetheless.  And babies...tons of babies.  Every time I turned a corner, there was another baby and I felt my heart wrench with each one.  I just hope that each Mommy and Daddy knew just how blessed they were to have those beautiful babies.

When I was helping Randall put our purchases up on the counter, I laid the sunflowers and vase that we were buying to put on Ezra's plot at the cemetery.  A huge lump welled up in my throat.  It hurt so bad to realize that I was buying flowers for my precious baby's grave when I should have been buying diapers and formula. In the months before Ezra was born I had been pouring over books and internet articles about the best diapers and formula and how to hold the bottle and how to change my sweet baby...I had been so nervous about doing something wrong and I just wanted to be the perfect Mommy for my Ezra.  And I could look back on those times and think it was a waste.  But, I choose to think of it as me showing love to Ezra even then.  From the moment I knew he was coming I loved him so much that I wanted everything to be perfect for him.  I wanted to do everything for him to make him the happiest baby in the world.  I wanted him to know that he was loved beyond belief.  And researching and practicing and asking questions to anyone who would answer was my way to do that.  Ezra was loved.  Is loved.

Yesterday was hard.  But today was even harder.  We got a package in the mail today from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that took pictures of Ezra the night he was born.  We knew they were coming at some point this week, but I don't think I was mentally prepared for what I was going to see.  I told Ezra the other night when we visited him that it made me sad because I was starting to forget what his precious face looked like on the night he was born and I was looking forward to getting his pictures so that I could remember.  Seeing his sweet little face today brought waves of emotions for both Randall and me.  He was so tiny and so fragile.  But so beautiful.  They took one picture of his little feet with our wedding rings and three of his toes fit inside our rings and nearly all his fingers would fit inside.  These aren't pictures that we want to show around to our friends, but these are pictures that will be so special for Randall and me and our families. Like I said in one of my first posts, he is our SON.  He is the first grandchild for my parents.  He's the first grandson for Randall's parents.  He is not going to be forgotten.  If God blesses us with other children in the future, they will know about their big brother who is in heaven.  They will go with Randall and me to the cemetery to put flowers on Ezra's grave.  They will know about him.  And when they are old enough, they can see these pictures of him to put a face to the stories that they've heard about their older brother.

One of the poems that we had read at Ezra's funeral was called "What Makes a Mother?" and I think it's very fitting to put the words to it with this post.  I love you, my little Ezra.

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to fill your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here.

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.”

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your baby is okay
Your baby is here in My home
And this is where he’ll stay
He’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
He’ll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown